From: … Nguyen @yahoo.com>
Subject: Nguyen 's Biography
To: thuyhang606@yahoo.com
Date: Wednesday, February 24, 2010, 9:42 AM
Subject: Nguyen 's Biography
To: thuyhang606@yahoo.com
Date: Wednesday, February 24, 2010, 9:42 AM
Thân tặng TH quyển hồi ký …
" Về chia sẻ kinh nghiệm với bạn bè. TH cứ tự nhiên. Nếu
bài học cuả mình có hữu ích được cho đời thì mình nên chia sẻ. Có vậy
thì xã hội mới tiến bộ và phát triển được. Những gì mình có thể để lại
trên đời này thì mình nên để lại."
====
CHAPTER 14
Originally, we planned to go to Bien Hoa where our grandparents lived, but we were
afraid of the unsettled situation in that small village. We thought that Saigon
accommodated such a large population that we could blend in better. When we got to
during the war. I went to that school because it was close to the house of my mother's
elder sister. I stayed with my first aunt and her family. Once My older sister arranged
everything for my living in Saigon , she went back to Can Tho to work for my third uncle.
She kept Thanh-Tuyen with her. They lived with my third uncle's family. That time
Thanh-Tung had only a few months left to complete her 12th grade, but she decided not
to complete it because she needed to take care of both Thanh-Tuyen and me. Everyday
she traveled with my uncle back and forth between Can Tho and Saigon distributing
power transmission belts. My uncle had connections to get to these products and the
customer. What my older sister had to do was help him to deliver the products. While
she was on the road traveling, Thanh-Tuyen stayed back with my uncle's wife. My
uncle's wife had two other small children of her own to take care of too. Whatever my
older sister earned from work, she spent it on Thanh-Tuyen's care in Can Tho and my
living expenses in Saigon . Every two or three weeks, she sent money to my aunt, so my
aunt could take care of me.
In the beginning, my sister did very well. She came to visit me from time to time. One
time, she realized that I needed some means to go around the town, so she bought a
bicycle for me. I remember how thrilled I was when I got it. I also remember the look on
my sister's face. For the first time, she was able to work, to make money, and to buy
something that her brother could enjoy. With the new bicycle, I took my older sister
along for a ride. We toured Saigon stopping at a sidewalk stand for bowls of Pho a type
of noodle soup, and we talked about our school friends. She stayed with me for a day or
two then she went back to Can Tho again. She stayed in Can Tho for a few weeks then
returned to Saigon to see me for a few days and left again. She reminded me a lot of my
mother when she was still living.
I continued my high school education in Saigon where things were indeed better for
me than in the small town. In Saigon almost all the students and teachers had some
relation to the old regime. I was not treated quite as cruelly as I was in Can Tho. As our
lives had almost returned to normal, the new government decided that to take control
over the economy, they would change the whole monetary system in the country. They
forced everybody to change their money to the new currency, but no one could have
more than $300 dollars. They thought by doing that, everybody would have the same
economic power. But they were wrong because the rich made deals with many poor
people to exchange money for them. Therefore, the rich were still rich after the monetary
changes. Having failed the first time, the communists started to change the money again.
This time they only did it after they had inventoried each family, so they had full
knowledge of everybody's limitation. This time they really hurt a lot of people. Suddenly,
nobody had much money anymore. All the shops and stores were taken over by the
government. People started to line up for food and basic needs. Not many people could
buy anything anymore.
My sister could not continue to work with my uncle because the business was totally
shutdown. She could not stay with my uncle anymore, so she brought Thanh-Tuyen to
Bien Hoa. A couple of weeks later, we got the permit, and we rode a bus to Bien Hoa. On
the way we planned to live with our mother's parents and help them take care of their
lands and orchards for the rest of our lives, and maybe one day my father could be
released, so our family could be together again. My sister and I knew that was just a
wishful thought and a faint hope, but for us, that was more than enough to keep us alive.
When the bus stopped, my sisters and I got off. We followed a dirt road which passed
through rice fields and by people's houses. As we walked along the road, I was overtaken
by the softness and smoothness of the rice fields. Watching the green leaves of the rice
plants dancing lively in the cool breezes eased the soul of the misfortunate one. When we
passed by people's houses, their dogs ran to the fences and barked fiercefully at us from
both sides. They seemed to recognize those who are strangers and unwanted ones in the
area. People also seemed to recognize that we were not from this area. They stopped
whatever they were doing and looked at us for few seconds, but soon they resumed their
activities. Houses were simple. Most of them were built on wooden frames, with tin
roofs, and had a small shed on the side to store farming equipments.
Finally, we came to the end of the road and to the gate of our grandparents's orchards.
We found their house in the middle of the orchards. It was a one bedroom, wooden
house. It had front porch and back porch. In front of the house, there was a seperate shed
which was used to welcome guests and to cool down in the middle of the day. Back of
the house, there was a separate shed used as a kitchen.
My grandparents had four acres of land. A river ran along two sides of the land. The
other sides of the land met other people's orchards. Two thirds of the land was planted
with grapefruit trees. The rest was planted with other fruit plants: mangos, nanka,
coconuts, and beetle nut trees. Across the river, they had another two acres to grow corn
or rice.
My sisters and I found our grandparents. We told them about our situation, and we
asked them to take us in because we did not have any place to live. They were generous
enough to let us stay with them. The next day, we went to the local authority to report
and to register our residential status.
CHAPTER 15
In Bien Hoa, my sister worked all day in the fields. I worked half a day and went to
school half a day. Thanh-Tuyen stayed with us. Although it was not easy, it was our only
chance to survive. Every morning I got up at 5:30 am. I took two 25 gallon cans to the
well and drew water up from the well. Once I filled up the cans, I carried them to each
grape fruit tree and watered it. Normally, it took 50 gallons per tree. I made several trips
like that to water all the grapefruit trees in the orchard. When I finished, I had breakfast,
and I went to soften the ground or mow the grass until noon. Everything I had to do
manually from cutting down wild grass with a sickle to breaking up the ground for a
garden with a hoe and hand picking fruit for customers.
Thick grass is always a favorite hiding place for snakes. I often saw small snakes
crawling away as I worked my way and cut down the grass. There was a time, a snake
jumped out very close to my feet. It seemed to have tried to strike my feet, but it missed
the strike. It was about four feet long and had a light brown color. I did not know
whether the snake was a poisonous type or not, but fear overtook me, and I was about to
strike it with the blade of my sickle. The snake raised its head up in a threatening motion,
but then it turned its head around quickly and crawled away. Part of me wanted to kill
the snake, but another part of me wanted to spare it. I imagined that the snake was on its
way home to its babies. I did not want the snake's babies hopelessly waiting for their
parent, so I did not kill it. I waited for the snake to disappear into the thick grass again
before I could resume my work. Knowing that the snake was still somewhere in the grass
gave me a chill, but I could not stop working because of my fear.
When people came and wanted to buy fruit from us, such as grapefruit, coconut,
nanka, mango, beetle nut, I had to stop everything I was doing and climb up the trees to
get the fruits that they desired. Every time I climbed up a tree, my whole body was
attacked by yellow ants which lived on the tree. I could not just stay on the tree and fight
off those ants while customers were waiting for their fruit. I had no other way but to bite
my lips and rush through those tree branches quickly to knock down the fruit, so I could
rush myself back down and fight off those vicious ants. As soon as I got through with
one person's order, I had to rush back through the trees again to get fruit for another
customer. I was being tortured to get people's money. There were times I was bitten so
badly that I resented those who came to buy fruit from us. But there was nothing I could
do except pray for rain that day so I did not have to climb up the trees again.
While I was busy working outside in the field, Thanh-Tung, my older sister, helped
my grandmother to cook. After she finished cooking, she came out to help me form
potato beds. She kept working until lunch time when she went back to cook for
everybody. After the meal, she went back to the field to work, and I got ready to go to
school.
For me to go to school, I had to bike for fifteen miles over hills, through rubber
plantations, under the hot sun. When I got to school, I felt tired and sweaty. I normally
had three or four different classes every afternoon. During the break between classes,
almost every one in the class rushed outside to buy snacks, drinks, and gather together to
share their families stories with each other. Except me, I did not join them because I did
not have any money to spend at all, and there was not much about my family to talk
about. So most of the break time, I sat by myself on the bench in the empty classroom
wishing that I would be able to endure this until I graduated. Once in a while a few
students asked me to buy a drink and a snack and join them. Even though I was very
thirsty and I wanted very much to do so, I politely declined. For me, it was more than
fortunate that I could be able to attend the class. Being thirsty and isolated was part of the
price I paid for the opportunity. When the clock struck five in the afternoon, everybody
was very excited to return to their homes and their families. I had to struggle with my
thirst and my hunger to bike all the way back to my grandparent's house. When I got
back, I joined my grandparents and my sisters for supper. At night, I tried as hard as I
could to fight my tiredness and my sleepiness to study, but as soon as I started to study,
then I was asked to do some other chores for my grandparents. Although I did not do the
best in the class, at least, I managed to get by.
A Few months after my sisters and I moved in to live with our grandparents, my
fourth uncle, one of my mother's younger brothers, brought his family to Bien Hoa to live
with our grandparents too. We all spent a few days to help him build a hut for him and
his family. My fourth uncle and his wife had two children: a girl and a boy. He had good
knowledge in planting and farming. He took some agriculture classes in vocational
school a few years before the fall of the South. With his help and his knowledge, my
grandparents were able to utilize the land on the otherside of the river to grow rice
instead of renting it out to people. Plus with the increase in the members in the land, the
only economical way for us was to plant rice foor our own to be independent. Everyday,
my uncle got together with my grandparents planning for the time to grow rice. Once a
week, he cranked up the lawn mower that my mother gave to my grandfather for a gift
when she was still living. With the lawn mower, my uncle could mow the grass much
faster than I did. But my grandparents could not afford to use the law mower much
because of the high cost of the gasoline at that time. His wife helped my grandmother
and my sister cook sometimes. Most of the time, she was busy with her children.
One way we all could survive at that time with the number of people we had in
the orchard was we grew rice for food, and we sold grapefruit for profit. People always
came to the orchard to buy all the grapefruits in the land and resold them in the market.
The money that my grandparents got from selling these grapefruit was enough to last all
of us more than a year. It was not bad at the beginning because we have enough money
to spend and rice to eat. But as time progressed, all the farmers were forced to turn their
crops in and let the government decide what portion they should get and how much
credit their crops worth to trade with other things, such as meat, sugar, salt, etc... About
the same time, there was a big crisis of gasoline and oil in Vietnam
days for gasoline, and not enough gasoline for everybody. The whole economy of the
country went in total crisis. A lot of farmers gave up farming because what they earned
was not enough to pay for the land, so they ended up working for other landowners as
laborer. But the landowners did not want to grow rice because of the government's policy
on their crops.
Things worsened each day. Rice became so expensive that very few people could
afford it. Then all other items such as sugar, pepper, fish sauce became unaffordable too.
Yet land owners and other business owners were not able to pay much for their workers.
People worked for a whole day and still could not afford to buy a meal for themselves.
Parents struggled very hard to keep their children alive. Things were so bad that many
people ended up killing themselves. One time, my classmates told me a story about a
family who lived on a rubber plantation. They said that the man in the family used to live
a comfortable life before the country went into a deep recession. He and his wife had
three children together. During the recession, he sold everything he had to live and to
support his family. He tried to find work to do, but nothing was available for him. He
ended up borrowing money from other people. Gradually, he had such great debt that he
could not pay it back, and there was no job for him to earn a living. In this desperate
situation, he went out and borrowed a lot of money from a bank. He then took his wife
and children to a rubber plantation for a picnic. He bought a lot of food and gifts for his
family. He also put poison in the food. Then he served his entire family including himself
the poisoned food. The entire family died from being poisoned after they enjoyed their
last moment together.
In my grandparents' land, we all had to work harder just to be able to get by from
day to day. As things got tougher, our relationship with my grandparents and uncle's
family got worse. We started to argue more often about very small things, such as who
got more food at the table and who kept the left overs. A few weeks after my uncle's
family moved in, my grandmother discovered that there were many small items in the
kitchen missing without any reason.
One day she asked my sister, " Tung, do you know what happened to the meat I just
cooked in the pot? I remember I cooked a lot more than this?"
My sister was just as much surprised as my grandmother, " No, I just got back from
gardening with Duc. I don't know what happened to the meat you cooked. Could it be
that you left the pot uncovered and the dogs got in and ate it?"
My grandmother confirmed, " No, I always close the kitchen door as I step out. I may
be absent minded, but I believe that I did not leave the kitchen door open at all."
Later on that day, my sister told me that when our grandmother tried to feed my
uncle's children at lunch time, she saw a lot of the missing food hidden on the bottom of
the children's bowls and covered with rice.
A few days later, my grandmother asked my sister, " Why does cooking oil run out so
fast? I just bought that only a couple of weeks ago? Do you use a lot of oil when you
cook?"
My sister had to justify again, " No, I always use the same measure that you told me."
She then asked my sister to keep up with food and food supplies in the kitchen. Because
of that, my sister kept a close eye on things in the kitchen, and she found out that my
uncle's wife kept taking things back to her place to cook for her family at night, without
letting my grandmother know. My sister had to tell my grandmother, and when my
grandmother confronted my uncle's wife, she denied everything. That caused my
grandmother to become more upset, and they got into an argument. This, in turn, made
my uncle upset too, so he blamed everything on my sister Thanh Tung.
He pointed at her, " Are you trying to cause trouble for my family? Do you accuse
your aunt of being a thief?"
Thanh-Tung tried to clear her position, " No, Grandma asked me to keep an eye on
things in the kitchen and let her know if anybody took anything. So when I saw Aunt
Loan take those items, I let Grandma know. I would not say anything if Grandma did not
ask me."
My uncle moved toward my sister, " You dare to talk back to me? You think you are
old enough to talk back to me now. I don't care who you think you are. You just cannot
talk back to me."
Then he jumped at my sister and hit her. My grandmother then moved in to separate
them, " Stop it. Stop it. Why are you acting so crazy. I told her to keep track of what we
have and tell me what was missing. That is not her fault. Why do you hit her? If you
want to hit somebody, I am the one you should aim at."
He still insisted, " Ma, don't you see that she tried to cause problems for our family."
My grandmother concluded," You should blame me because I asked her to let me
know, and frankly, I know your wife took things in my kitchen for her own use. I don't
mind if she comes to me and asks me openly, but I have a big problem when she goes
behind my back and takes my stuff."
I was not there at the time to protect her, and it was the first incident. Plus, I thought
we all needed to learn to adjust to each other because we had not lived that close together
before. So I let it go. In the beginning I could understand everybody's reason to fight for
food. As time passed, things got worse and worse. To the point that everybody behaved
purely on a survival basis, and there was no room left for loving and caring for each
other. Sometimes I thought we behaved to each other worse than animals in the wild.
My uncle continued to treat us worse everyday. Sometimes he still hit my sister, but my
sister told me not to do anything because my grandparents could ask us to leave. So we
had to endure it as long as we could.
There was a time right after a successful harvest season when my sister and I asked
my grandparents' permission to go back to Can Tho to visit our friends. My grandparents
agreed to our request, and we were so happy that we could have a chance to go back to
see our friends. As soon as we finished packing our clothes, we headed to the highway to
catch the bus. As the bus was slowing down to receive us, we saw our uncle coming and
motioning for us to wait for him. When he got to us, he demanded that we go back to the
house because he did not permit us to go. Out of respect, we went back to the house with
him.
As we got into the house, first, he accused my sister of trying to trick my grandparents
so she could go out and sleep with boys. Next he blamed me that I did not respect him
enough to ask his permission. Then, he lined us up and started to hit us with a bamboo
rod. This time I could not take it anymore, so I got up and got ready to retaliate. But as
soon as I stood up, I heard my sister's voice telling me not to do it. Then I held myself
back again. Since my mother died, I considered my sister just like my mother. Whatever
she asked from me, I would follow, no questions asked. Plus all of my life, I was taught
to respect the elder in the family. Although my uncle was totally wrong, fighting him
was the very last thing that I wanted to do. So I let down my hands. At that time my
uncle took the opportunity and threw several punches at my face. My grandparents
finally stepped in to hold him back and turned to me and warned me not to defy my
uncle again. Then they led my uncle to the outside and away from us.
As time went by, the price of food supplies kept going up. Gradually we could not
afford to have enough food anymore. I had to work much harder physically and eat
much less. Even so, it was not enough. At the same time, the school officials demanded
that students spend at least one day out of every week digging a canal as part of the
academic curriculum. If I did not do it, I could not continue to go to school. I told my
grandparents that I could not work for them on those particular days. Because I did not
work for them those days, I could not bring any lunch with me. I remember those days
were always the longest days for me.
After a morning of heavy digging, all the students gathered together in the corners of
the school to have lunch together while I searched for some other corner, so I could be
alone and keep the other students from knowing my situation. I tried to take a nap to
reserve some energy for the intense labor of the afternoon. It was difficult to sleep with
an empty stomach. It was even harder to go back out and labor under the sun. And when
it was over, I had to pedal for fifteen miles back home on my bicycle.
Realizing that I was not as much help as I used to be because of the scheduled labor in
school, my grandparents asked me to quit school, so I could work all day for them. I told
them that I wished I could, but I already gave my promise to my father about my
education; therefore, I could not quit school at that time, but I told them that I would
work full time for them as soon as I finished my high school degree; plus I only had six
or seven months left to complete my highschool education. They did not agree, and they
demanded that I work for them full time.
My sister told me that I could pretend to accept it. Then she would find a way to cover
for me. So every day my sister and I went to the field. My sister hid my school clothes
under hers. We crossed to the other side of the river to get to the rice field where we were
supposed to work. As soon as we got to the field, I changed my clothes and went to
school while my sister stayed and covered for me. I went to school for the whole
afternoon, and I got back to the field and changed back into my work clothes before we
went back to my grandparents's house. But our plan did not last more than two days.
Our grandparents found out again. Knowing my determination, they agreed to let me
finish school before they expected me to work full time. My sister and I breathed a sigh
of relief to know that. So I went back to my daily routine like I did before. We thought we
could live like that until I graduated, but we were wrong.
One day, while watering grapefruit trees in the plantation, I heard my sister's voice
calling me. I dropped everything I was doing and ran back to the house. As I walked in
the back door, my sister urged me, " Duc, quick, you got to stop the fourth uncle. He's
killing the sixth uncle; His face is bloody all over."
I was curious, " Why? What made them fight each other? When did the sixth uncle
come?"
She told me that my sixth uncle had a cut on his head from a fight with my mother's
older sister my first aunt in Saigon . That's why he came to my grandparents to complain.
But as he explained his situation to my grandparents, my fourth uncle mocked him. As
they exchanged words, they began to taunt each other worse. And before anyone could
stop them, they got into a fighting match. My fourth uncle kept aiming at his brother's
injury and punching it. He made the cut bleed freely until sixth uncle's face was covered
with blood.
I was still hesitating, " Yeah, but if I go out there and hold the fourth uncle back, he'll
turn around and hit me again. I know his temper. I don't know whether I need to get
involved or not."
While I was still undecided, my grandmother rushed in. As soon as she saw me, she
yelled at me, " What are you standing there for? Go out there and help to separate your
uncles. What kind of person are you?"
I had no choice, but to go out there and stop the fight. I stooped down and took hold
of my fourth uncle's fist and pulled him off the other uncle. Then, I let him go free. But
suddenly he turned around and swung a punch at me. I raised my arm to block it, and as
soon as my arm touched his, all the anger and the resentment that I had held back for
years rushed through my head. With in that fraction of a second, I was totally swept
away by the tide of my anger. In one motion my innocent blockage turned into a full
intentionally fatal grip. I let out a loud scream, and I followed it up with a judo flip. I
intended to slam his head down to the ground to hurt him, but realizing he was my
uncle, I decided just to hold him down. I knew I had caught him by surprise, and I
started to raise my fist. As I was about to strike down with a fatal blow, I saw his face
turn lifeless and helpless. Suddenly, I could not bring myself to hurt him. I released all of
my anger through a loud scream while I still raised my fist. He passed out with fear. So I
let him go because I realized he was not my match.
As I walked away, he regained consciousness and grabbed a knife and tried to stab
me. I ran to a place where I could find a stick. Then I waited for him to come but he never
did. I was angry because he did not realize that I had had mercy on him.
Then I heard my grandparents begin to condemn me again. They screamed at me
because I was disrespectful to my uncle and because I made the whole situation worse.
This time they wanted me and my sister Thanh Tung out of their house. That night we
had no place to sleep. My sister went to the neighbor and borrowed a mosquito net, so
we both could sleep in the woods. That night my sister and I took turns watching for
each other in case my uncle sneaked up on us with a knife. The next day, we met our
grandparents, and they told us that we could stay on the other half of their land because
that was the land that my mother bought for us when she was still living. And we would
have to support ourselves; they no longer would help us. My grandparents asked my
fourth uncle to help us build our hut to live in.
====
CHAPTER 16
Thanh Tung decided to go back to Can Tho to find things to do, so she could keep
supporting me through my last year. Before she left, she gave me some money to buy
food for a couple of weeks. Our sister, Thanh-Tuyen, who was only four years old, had
to stay with me. Everyday I went to school leaving Thanh-Tuyen by herself. She
wandered alone around the orchard. Sometimes, she went to my grandparents house, so
she could talk to somebody. When I got back from school, I searched for her.
I cooked for her, and bathed her, and we walked together and we sang together. Since
Thanh Tuyen had never seen her mother and experienced the love of her parents, I sang
the songs that describe the love of a mother to her and songs that describe the goodness
of life despite the lack of material things. I hoped through these songs and melodies
Thanh Tuyen could experience some of the things that she had been missing. Thanh
Tuyen was always patient sitting next to me, listening to my singing, and sometimes she
sang along with me. At night, I put her to bed, and I began my study under a small
kerosene lantern. Thanh Tuyen did not complain at all, but I knew it was hard for her. A
couple of weeks later, Thanh Tung came back and told me that she was doing fine, and
she had found her old classmates who could help her to get some work. What she had to
do was transport rice, sugar, and other seasoning ingredients between towns to get a
commission. She said that she made good money although it was hard work. She stayed
with us for two days, and she left us again. Before she left, she bought enough food to
last us for two weeks. Thanh Tuyen and I continued to live like that for two more weeks.
I always worried about Thanh Tuyen being by herself with no adult supervision at such a
young age. I could not bear knowing that she had to be alone almost the whole day, so I
went back to my grandparents and begged them to take Thanh-Tuyen in to live with
them. It was very nice of them that they did.
From there on I stayed alone in the hut. Every night, I stayed late to study with a small
kerosene lamp. Before I got ready to go to bed, I checked my bed thoroughly for snakes. I
had seen a green mamba crawling on my bed while I was lying down before. The thing
that concerned me the most was finding a snake coiled underneath my pillows or my
blanket.
Although I felt lonely and I missed my sister and Thanh-Tuyen a lot, at least for the
moment, I felt comforted to know Thanh Tuyen was in a much better situation with my
grandparents than she was with me. There were times that I wished my father had not
made me promise him about my education; then things might have turned out better. I
would have been able to put more effort into working full time and to taking care of
Thanh-Tuyen much better. I would be a better brother and a father to Thanh-Tuyen than
I was at the moment. There were times I asked myself what would happen to me ten
years from now and where would I be. Would I work for others with very little pay for
the rest of my life? Would I be able to protect and support my younger sister at all? What
would happen to my spouse and my children if I got married? Will I ever fulfill my
promise to my father, or will I die in shame one day? As I looked up to the sky, the
darkness of the night reminded me of my own future.
One time in a dream, I saw myself crossing the river on the plantation. As I swam
across the river, I was pushed by a very strong, swift stream. I tried to swim against it,
but it was so strong that I ran out of breath very quickly. I realized that I could not go
against the river's flow; I decided to float along and let the river carry me. After a short
time, I felt my back rubbing and hitting big rocks on the bottom of the river. For the first
few bumps, I was not quite sure should I begin to swim again or should I continue to
float along. Finally, I bumped into a very big rock. That was when I decided to hold on to
the rock and look across the river. After positioning myself safely on the rock, I began to
look for a safe way to cross the river. Suddenly, the river seemed to become so shallow
that I could just walk across it. I walked to the other side of the river, and I found myself
standing on my grandmother's land. Then it seemed to me that I was lost in the land, and
I did not know where to go.
I climbed up into a grapefruit tree. I wanted to look for the direction to go home. As I
climbed up, the tree branches were shaken by my passage, and the grapefruits dropped
to the ground and made a noise. That disturbed my grandmother who walked out and
saw me. She asked me what was I doing up in the tree. I told her that I had lost my way,
and I had to find the way home. She told me to get down, and she pointed the direction
for me to go home. I followed her direction home. As soon as I reached home, I saw
Thanh Tuyen coming to greet me. When I saw her, I told her that I wanted to take her to
town. Then I held her hands and led her out of the plantation. As soon as we got out the
gate, we saw tall buildings everywhere, and the sun rose up and blinded our eyes with
its bright light. We had to cover our eyes and walk toward the sun to get to the city with
all the tall buildings. Then suddenly I woke up. For some reason I felt this dream was
significant for me.
I remember people had told me that sometimes God shows people visions in their
dreams. If they could interpret their dreams, they might be able to see their future ahead
of time. So I tried to interpret the dream just to satisfy myself. After two days of
meditating about the dream, I came up with an explanation that I felt was good for me.
The first part of my dream, when I was struggling in the river, represented the number of
years that I struggled to survive. The next part of the dream when I walked to the other
side of the river and found myself standing on the land of my grandparents meant that I
had to cross the water to an unfamiliar land because according to Vietnamese thought,
my mother's side was not considered my family whereas my father's side would be.
When I climbed the tree and Thanh-Tuyen and I were blinded by the radiant light of the
sun indicated that I would climb up to a better position and that I could take Thanh-
Tuyen with me into a brighter future. After I came up with that interpretation, I felt
better and I hoped and I prayed for that dream to come true so that I could bring
happiness to Thanh-Tuyen. And I wished that would happen to me quickly. But the
longer I waited, the more disappointed I became with my wishful thinking and my
dream.
As months went by, my older sister continued to send me money to go to school and
for Thanh-Tuyen to spend. I knew it must be very tough for her to take my mother's role,
and I always thanked her for that. My sister did well for a while, and then things got
worse for her. All of her friends left Vietnam
anymore. She still could transport some products, but it was only enough to cover for
herself. She could not support me and Thanh Tuyen anymore. But she was probably too
tired of living with my grandparents to come back. So I did not see my sister very much
anymore.
There were times, I ran out of food to eat, I had to walk around the orchard picking
fruit to eat. Sometimes, I ate fruit for two or three days. Then I went out to borrow rice
from a neighbor. But that could only last for another day or two. Then I ran out of food
again. Finally, I had to borrow money from my friend to go to Can Tho and look for my
sister. When I got to Can Tho, I found my sister, and she told me that it got much harder
for her to find enough work to support herself and me. So I told her that I would get
work and support myself. I asked her to find me some money for the last time, so I could
pay my friend. She did and I went back to Bien Hoa again.
====
CHAPTER 17
When I got back to Bien Hoa, I did not go back to my grandparents land. I thought to
myself that now I am a seventeen year old boy, I should be able to take care of myself. I
should do like my father did when he was seventeen, so I left Thanh-Tuyen with my
grandparents and went out on my own to try to make a living for myself. In the
beginning, it was very hard. I asked many people and places for work, but they turned
me down as soon as they found out I was the son of one they called a traitor. I wandered
on the streets for many days and many weeks without money or food. Sometimes I went
to visit my school friends and their families. For a few days they shared their meals with
me. But soon after that, they asked me to leave because they could not accommodate
another person in their house. So I said goodbye and thanks to them, and I picked up my
clothes to go to the next person that I knew for another four or five days. Then I had to
move on again.
One time, I went to see Aunt Dung and asked her for money. She still lived with her
mother, and she was still faithfully waiting for my father. When she found out my
situation and my purpose for coming to see her, she asked me to stay with her family for
a few days until she could borrow some money for me. So I stayed there in her mother's
house for a few days. Then she asked her family and friends for money to help me. Once
I got the money, I realized that she would help me if she could. However, her situation
was not much better than my sister's and mine. From that time on, I did not want to go
back to ask her anymore.
I lived homeless for quite a few months. Sometimes I thought it was ironic that I had
lived in a mansion, and people bowed down to me every time they saw me. Now when I
showed up at their homes asking for food and work, they did not want to see me; even
my own relatives did not want to look at me. I thought there was no way for me to keep
on going like that.
In the midst of despair, I met another schoolmate, Pham Manh Quynh Chi. He looked
and dressed very old fashioned as if he came from a communist family, but he did not. In
fact his father was a colonel in the old South Vietnamese army. His father was probably
in the same camp with my father at that time. None of us knew where our fathers were.
Quynh Chi invited me to come and stay with his family. I told him that I would if his
family allowed me to. So he took me to his house, and I met his mother, his brothers, and
his sister. Quynh Chi explained my situation to his family. He asked his mother about
my staying in the house with the family. His mother told me that I could live with them
on the condition that I help tend the few acres of rice they were growing. It was just like
a miracle had happened to me. I said thanks to her many times before I could hush.
I moved in with Quynh Chi's family. That was also the first time I experienced the
warmth of a strong family. Quynh Chi's mother was a very wise, very smart, and very
kind lady. She took very good care of her children. Quynh-Chi's family used to live in
survive if they continued to live in Saigon . His mother sold her house and bought a
couple acres of land. That way they would become more self-sufficient. Plus moving to
the new place kept people from knowing too much about their background. During the
day, we all worked together cutting down tall grasses to clear the land, breaking the
ground and softening the soil, and planting rice. At night, we all gathered around the
kerosene lamp to study.
We all prepared for school tests and the national college entry examination. I felt great
and comfortable in that family atmosphere. We all helped each other with our school
work and our tests. We knew that we would easily receive the high school diploma, and
we knew there was no way the communist government would allow any children of the
"traitor" to enter college regardless of their test scores. But we kept on improving our
knowledge whether we could get into college or not. I knew that would not lead me
anywhere, but at least I would not be ashamed that I did not try to fulfill my promise.
We worked hard, and we always had a good harvest. We sold our rice and other
products for money. Sometimes Quynh Chi's mother gave me money to go to my
grandparents to visit Thanh-Tuyen. Every time I visited Thanh-Tuyen, she was very
happy to see me. She held me so tight like she was afraid she would lose me again. I took
her to a sidewalk stand and bought her favorite drink. She asked me how long I could
stay with her. I said I could only stay with her for one day. She asked me why, and I did
not know how to explain it to a five year old girl that her own brother could not take care
of her. After we drank, I took her back to my grandparents's plantation, and I took her to
our mother's and sisters's tombs.
I brought along the guitar that I had borrowed from my uncle. I sang for Thanh-Tuyen all
of her favorite songs. When we finished, we lay down and took a nap next to our
mother's and sister's tombs as if we slept next to our mother and sisters. We slept there in
the faint hope that in our dreams we could see them and our father again. When we got
up, I tried to teach Thanh-Tuyen our mother and sister's names . As the sun was going
down, I took
her home and bathed her, and I said goodbye to her. As I walked away, my heart felt like
somebody squeezed it and tore it into pieces. It was always painful for me to leave my
youngest sister helplessly behind. I prayed that if I could take all punishments to myself
so that Thanh-Tuyen could have a happy life, I would. She was considered the most
unfortunate one in my family. She never had a chance to see her mother and sisters, and
she never had a chance to live a good life at all. As I looked back, I could see tears in her
eyes. I wanted to stay with her, but I was not allowed, so I swallowed my tears and
closed my eyes and walked away. I wanted to take her with me, but I could not because I
did not know how long Quynh Chi's family would accommodate me. They could ask me
to leave anytime because I stayed there illegally. So far staying with my grandparents
was still the best solution for her.
I continued to stay with Quynh Chi's family throughout my last year in high school. I
remember the day we went to the central city of Bien Hoa to take the national high school
standard examination. We had to spend the night there because the test lasted two days.
During that two days we were tested on Math, Physics, Chemistry, Literature, and
Biology. At the end of the day, we went back to a local high school building, and we all
slept in the classroom. After taking the last exam, we caught a bus to go back to our place
and waited for the results. We were told to go to our local school and check for the
results after a couple of months. A few months later, we went to check on the results. We
saw our names posted on the board in the list of the graduating group. We all were
happy and very proud of ourselves. And we were able to receive our high school
diploma. We then worked even harder to save money to take the college entrance
examination.
CHAPTER 18
From time to time, I took a trip back to Can Tho to see my old friends. Can Tho had
changed a lot since the fall of the Capitalists. There were not many activities in the town
any more. The streets were more deserted than they were before. Many shops and stores
were closed down and replaced by governmental food distribution buildings. In a certain
part of the town, I still could find food carts and coffee stands along the side walks. Very
few cars, almost none, were still on the street. People either used a moped or a bicycle to
go around the town. The enthusiasm of the town was not nearly the same as it was on the
day of the victory. Everything was dreadful now. People no longer gathered for fun
because they would be questioned by the local authorities. Friends and family members
did not trust each other anymore. Children sometimes reported to the government if they
saw suspicious things in their own family.
My friends, Trung and Dung, were still glad to see me. They seemed to do very well
compared to my situation. Trung's family stopped teaching Judo. They had a chicken
farm, and they manufactured woven baskets. They had many people working for them
now. People in the neighborhood respected Trung's family a lot. Dung's family still
struggled like before, but at least they still had a place of their own, and they still had
each other.
Like usual, Trung and Dung asked their families for money to take me out to treat
me. Trung's sister let me use her bicycle, so I could go around the town with them. Along
the way, Trung and Dung asked their friends to join us. I had a chance to meet their new
friends. We all gathered together in a small place where we could sit down and drink
coffee and talk. We talked about how well we did on our exams, about the difference in
life between the different cities, and about getting prepared for the college entrance test.
Soon we talked about our futures. I remember my friends joked about my fate in
how hard you try you will always be less than us. We have the opportunity to go to
college and become somebody; where as, you will be isolated and have to live off the
leftovers for the rest of your life."
" True. But you never know what will happen ten years from now. You never know
what I will do. You and I still have years ahead of us to work for. So don't be too hasty to
make any statement about our future. I am still trying, and you are still trying. If you are
not careful, you may fail your college acceptance, and you may end up like me. While if I
am lucky enough to get the break of a life time, I may beat you at the end."
Another one then said, " Yes. But you need to realize that the chance for you to be the
same or better than us is very slim."
" Yes. I know and I take that challenge. Let's see how it will turn out in the future. I
wish you all the best and remember don't get too content because you may be the one
who is surprised when I surpass you."
" We wish you luck and success in your life, but we know the difficulties you are facing
now."
Then like many other seventeen-year-old boys, they quickly changed the topic to
girls. They all talked about different girls that they were trying to pursue and how they
made themselves known to those they liked. I sat there and listened. I could not
participate in the conversation because I did not have the luxury of paying attention to
anybody other than my older sister and Thanh-Tuyen.
I stayed a few days in Can Tho; then I went back to Bien Hoa to stay with Quynh Chi's
family. From there on, I put all of my focus on ways to get ahead in life.
The first thing I needed to do was to try very hard to take the college entrance test.
Though we knew that we would never pass it because of the political discrimination, we
tried it anyway. Again we worked during the daytime and gathered around the table
with our books studying for the exam. We did that for months, and we took the test. We
did well, but as we expected, nobody would either call us or give us the results. We did
not feel bad. We felt good in fact because we gave our best. We planned to keep on trying
like that for the rest of our lives whether we were successful or not.
CHAPTER 19
I lived with Quynh Chi's family for almost a year. Then my older sister found me and
told me that my third uncle was looking for me. She told me that my uncle wanted to
offer me an opportunity to escape from Vietnam
grandparents's place and meet him. I asked her whether it was a genuine offer or just a
way for my uncle to get me to go back to work for my grandparents. She told me that it
seemed genuine to her, but whether it was a genuine deal or not, I still needed to give it a
try. I agreed with her, so I decided to go back. I said goodbye to Quynh Chi and his
family. I knew in my heart I would never forget his family and the support that they gave
me. They wished me luck. I shook hands with everybody, and I left with my older sister.
I went back to my grandparents and met my third uncle. He told me that his friend
had bought a boat and prepared it for escape from Vietnam
his son with me. He told me if I wanted to escape out of Vietnam
at least six months without pay on my grandparents's place. I thought it was more than a
fair deal because that was the only chance I could stay close to Thanh-Tuyen, who just
turned six years old at that time, and take care of her. I accepted the deal. Thanh-Tuyen
was very happy when she found out that I could stay with her. After arranging the
meeting between me and my uncle, my older sister spent the night with me and Thanh-
Tuyen at my grandparents's house, and then she left the next day. Thanh-Tuyen and I
missed her a lot, but we had to learn that separation was part of our lives. As soon as we
began to taste the sweetness of a family reunion, we immediately lived through the pain
of being separated. But for the two of us, being able to stay together was better than to
live alone.
At my grandparents's place, I put all my best into trying to make the harvest season
that year the most successful one ever and hoping that the deal between my uncle and
me was a genuine one. Everyday I worked from dawn to dusk in the field, and when I
came home, I spent all the rest of the evening playing with Thanh-Tuyen. I tried to make
up for all the time that I was away and unable to take care of her. I bathed her, clothed
her, fed her, played with her, and put her to bed. I hoped that I could fill some of my
parents' void in her life. I did not know how long I would have the chance to do that, so
for as long as I could, I tried my best to do it.
Six months went by, the rice grain in the field began to turn color signaling harvest
time. My grandparents were afraid that people could come to our field at night and steal
our rice. They asked me to sleep in the rice field to guard it at night time. Every night I
took a blanket and a bamboo staff with me to the other side of the river and slept in the
field. Most of the night, I slept very lightly because of mosquito bites and the damp of the
night frost. While I was sleeping, every faintest sound would wake me up because I put
myself in the alert mode all the time. I was afraid that people would sneak up and kill me
while I was sleeping. Then because of light sleeping in the night, I felt very tired during
daytime every day. But I could not slow down because I had to complete other tasks too.
Every night I wished that there would be a rainy night, so I would not have to sleep in
the field, and so I could enjoy the luxury of sleeping in the house. I wished time could go
faster, so I could harvest these grains and not have to worry about people stealing the
rice.
Finally, the day of reaping came. My grandmother, my fourth uncle, his wife, and
I went to the field every day to collect the grain. We worked without much break from
morning till evening. We tried to clean up the field as fast as we could because the rice
might be stolen by someone else. We did everything by ourselves. From cutting the stems
down to shaking the grain off the stems, and drying them under the sun, we did it all.
The result was great. We had a very successful season. My grandparents and my uncle
had a good return and profits from my work.
In July, 1979, my third uncle came back and asked me to get ready to go to Can Tho to
prepare for the trip. He said that because his friend could only let one person go along
instead of two people in the initial plan, and because his son was too young to be on his
own at that time, I had to take the trip by myself. He told me to keep it secret even from
Thanh-Tuyen too. He gave me the money to take a bus to Can Tho. He asked me to leave
immediately that day. I told him that I needed a last few moments with Thanh-Tuyen
before I left. He agreed, so I went to the field to search for Thanh-Tuyen.
I found her alone sitting under a shady tree and eating a mango. I called to her
and asked her what she had been doing as I continued to walk toward her. When she
saw me walking up to her, she held out the other half of the mango and said ," Brother
I've been waiting for you because I saved you a good piece of mango. Do you want it ?" I
was so proud of her for making a nice gesture. I wished that I could spend another day
with her so that I could take her out and reward her for being willing to share with
others, but I could not. At the same time I had to find a way to say goodbye to her
without giving her the impression that she had done something wrong.
I knew this would be the last time I said goodbye to her, and I would never have the
chance to see her again. I could not utter anyword, I just nodded my head and took that
piece of mango. I sat down next to her, and I put my arm around her. I kissed her head
and told her that I had to go very far away. She asked me where I would go. I said that I
did not know yet, but I knew it was very far from her. She asked me whether she could
go with me. I told her that she could not because it was too dangerous for her. She asked
me when I would come back. She told me she did not want to stay by herself too long. I
told her that I did not know when I could come back. She asked me whether she had
done anything that made me mad. She referred to a few times I told her that I would go
away if she did not behave. I shook my head. I told her that she was always a good girl to
me, but I had to go so one day I could take good care of her. Then I asked her to stand up
in order for me to take a last look at her. The more I looked into her innocent face, the
more painful my heart became. Tears began to fill my eyes. I told her to try to be a good
girl and maybe one day our older sister could come and live with her.
Then I hugged her, and I broke down and cried very hard. I knew she must be very
confused, but she cried with me. We cried for a few minutes, and I stood up, wiped my
tears and I told her, " It's time for me to leave. Come on. Hop up. Let me carry you back
into the house. Remember don't come out here by yourself when I am gone. It is
dangerous out here. You could get hurt by snakes or bees. Or you could fall into the
water and nobody would know. O.K? Promise?" She gave me the promise. I picked her
up, gave her a kiss, and walked toward the house. I wished the road could be a bit longer
so I could hold her a bit longer.
When I carried Thanh-Tuyen back to the house, I saw everybody was waiting for us. I
passed Thanh Tuyen to my grandparents, and she tried to cling to me for the last time. I
had to turn her loose, pick up my bags, and walk away. As my grandparents led her
away, I started to run as fast as I could away from that place. As I ran away, I could still
hear Thanh-Tuyen's voice, crying for me. I bit my lip and gathered my strength to keep
from looking back. I kept on running toward the street to catch a bus to Can Tho. When I
got to the highway, I waited for the bus to come. I waved it to stop, gave the driver
money and hopped on.
As the bus pulled away, I looked back toward my grandparents's house for the last
time. There I left my youngest and dearest sister helplessly behind. I walked out on her
when she needed me most. A tremendous pain overtook my heart, and I tried with all
my might to keep tears from flooding my eyes. I looked around, and all I saw were
unfamiliar and emotionless faces. I did not want people to detect the turmoil in my heart.
I cleared my eyes and looked away. Hopefully, I could find something to distract me
from the thought of Thanh-Tuyen. After a few minutes, I tried to sleep and hoped when I
got up everything happening to me so far would only be a very bad dream. But it was
not, because everytime I opened my eyes, the bus was still there, and I was still
surrounded by strangers. The time it took for the bus to get to Can Tho seemed like
forever.
====
CHAPTER 20
When I arrived in Can Tho, I went to look for my uncle's friend and introduced myself
to him and his family. They were very wealthy people. They took one look at me, and I
guessed they were not quite sure that I was really my uncle's nephew because I looked
very poor; whereas, my uncle was still a successful businessman. They asked me a lot of
questions about my background and my uncle. Finally, they believed me. They told me
that they needed somebody to live on the boat and to take good care of it until it sailed.
They took me to the boat, and I spent days and nights alone on the boat. Sometimes a
couple of people from the family came by bringing me food and money. I asked them to
loan me a guitar so I would not feel too bored and they did. From then on, I sang all the
songs that I used to sing for Thanh-Tuyen every night. Every day and every night I
prayed for her safety, her environment, and her strength. I prayed for her to have plenty
of love and care from people around her as she was growing up. I prayed that one day
she would understand that I never wanted to desert her like I appeared to be. Every
night I cried for her, and I dreamed about reuniting with her. Every morning I looked for
some sign that I could get out of Vietnam
As months went by, I began to see some changes. Every two to three weeks a pilot
came by the boat and moved it to a different town. I stayed in that town for three or four
weeks, and the pilot came by again to move the boat back to Can Tho. Anywhere we
went, We always anchored the boat in between other fishing boats, so we would not be
detected easily. We also stayed further away from the river dock so we could move in
and out without disturbing many boats around us. The reason for moving the boat to a
different town was to give local authorities the impression that the boat went out on a
fishing trip. We did not want anybody to suspect we were planning to escape.
Sometimes I had to live in the new town for a few weeks and then leave it for a few
weeks. During the time I was moving around, I met a young girl named Hang. I did not
know her last name because I never dared to ask. Our acquaintance started one night
when I was on the roof top of the boat singing away my loneliness and my love for my
sisters. I heard a noise which sounded like something bumped into the right side of the
boat. I thought someone had tried to sneak onto the boat to steal things. I put my guitar
down and eased my head over the side of the boat to investigate. I only saw a girl, who
turned her back to me and rowed her small canoe hurriedly away from my boat. As I
saw her, I guessed that she must have been beside my boat for a long time, and I did not
know it. I was kind of embarrassed because she must have heard my singing. I was also
impressed with her canoeing skill because she could row her canoe without the faintest
sound. After she left, I checked the entire boat, and I did not find anything suspicious. I
went to sleep.
The next morning, I woke up about nine or ten o'clock. One nice thing about being on
the boat alone was that I did not have to get up early or do anything. All I had to do was
eat and sleep. So normally, I cooked something for myself in the morning and ate it for
the entire day. The only inconvenient thing was that I just could not leave the boat;
therefore, I could not go to market to buy food. Usually, whenever the pilot came, he
brought me some food supplies.
While I was cooking, I happened to look up through the boat's side window. There, I
saw a girl's face watching me. I was curious and suspicious, but I did not want to be
obvious. I then smiled at her and asked how she was doing. She smiled back at me and
said she was fine. Then she asked me if I needed to go to market. She could take me there
for a small fee. I realized she rowed the canoe and took people places to earn a living. I
said no to her. Then she asked for my name. I told her my name, and I asked her name.
She told me her name, and she also told me that she had heard me singing last night. I
was kind of surprised and flattered. After that she said she had to go look for people who
needed to cross the river. Then she rowed away.
I went back to cooking and cleaning the boat. After I finished, I passed my day by
drilling myself on mathematic skills. As evening began to fall, Hang came back again.
This time she had a friend with her. After we briefly introduced each other, we talked
and we sang for each other, and then they left for the night. From then on, Hang came to
visit me everyday. She brought food for me and even offered to cook for me.
As the days went by, I realized she liked me more and more. She spent more time with
me than she did trying to find customers. She taught me the skill of rowing a canoe. A
couple of times during the conversation, she told me that her parents left her with her
adopted grandparents. She grew up with nobody around but her grandparents. And her
grandparents could barely support themselves that was why she had to work to help her
grandparents. Then she told me that she had a special feeling for me. At that time, I had
feelings for her too, but I could not allow myself to get involved with anyone because of
the uncertainty of my own future. I told her that I was not good enough for her because
she could find much better men very easily. I told her that I had no job security, and I did
not know whether I could return again if the boat owner fired me. I also told her that she
was too young for me. At that time I was eighteen while she was only fifteen. But no
matter what I told her, she still came back to me.
There was a time, the pilot came and found out about us. He laughed at me, and he
told me that I was not very smart. He said I should take advantage of the situation
because I would not be there in the future, and when I left, Hang would fall for someone
else anyway. Sometimes in the high peak of passion, I wanted very much to sleep with
her for one night, but when I thought of the possibility of Hang carrying my child and I
would not be there for her, and she may be forced to give up her child to someone else, I
could not bring myself to do it. I preferred to be stupid than to feel regret in the future.
I lived like that for almost five months. Just as I thought the trip would never happen,
in the second week of October, 1979, the pilot came and told me we were ready to
escape. As we were ready to pull up the anchor, Hang showed up. I told her that I had to
go away for a fishing trip. She asked me why I did not let her know ahead of time. I told
her that it was unexpected. She asked me when would I come back. I said I did not know
when. I told her this time it would take me much longer than a few weeks to return. Plus,
we might change our route this time, and I might not see her very often anymore. It
seemed like she detected that I was lying because I could see a small sadness beginning
to show on her face. Then tears started to fill up the corners of her eyes, and she broke
out crying. She told me that she knew this time I would not come back for her. A sharp
pain passed through my heart again; I did not know how to react in that moment but
hold her for the last time. I told her that I really did not know whether I could come back
or not, but if I did not, I did not want her to wait for me. When I finished explaining
myself to her, she cried even more. At that time the pilot urged me to say goodbye for it
was time to go. We embraced each other for the last time. I gave her my last kiss before I
helped her to get back to her canoe. Once she got back to the canoe, she turned around
and gave me her handkerchief and said goodbye.
I pulled up the anchor and stood there watching her. As the boat cranked up and
moved away, I still saw Hang in tears waving at me. As she wiped her tears and rowed
away. I walked back inside the lower cabin, and I cried out loud, " My heavenly father!
Why do I keep being separated from the ones I love? And how can you sit there and let
these things happen to me?" I cried for a while then to overcome the painful feeling; I
told myself that if I lived, I would come back for Hang one day.
To be continued...
