Victor over the Past - Chapter 13

From: … Nguyen @yahoo.com>
Subject: Nguyen 's Biography
To: thuyhang606@yahoo.com
Date: Wednesday, February 24, 2010, 9:42 AM

Thân tặng TH quyển hồi ký …

" Về chia sẻ kinh nghiệm với bạn bè. TH cứ tự nhiên. Vì anh nghĩ nếu bài học cuả mình có hữu ích được cho đời thì mình nên chia sẻ. Có vậy thì xã hội mới tiến bộ và phát triển được. Những gì mình có thể để lại trên đời này thì mình nên để lại."

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CHAPTER 13

As time progressed, we began to get a grip on our lives. We gradually did better both

in school and at home. Again just as we thought that we got our lives back together, there

came more bad news. In 1973, after a peace agreement in Paris, all the U.S.divisions and

personnel were ordered to withdraw from Vietnam. When the support of the U.S. troops

was removed, the South Vietnamese government and army became vulnerable. People

were nervously waiting for something bad to happen, and that fear became true on April,

1975. During that month there were many signs that the South Vietnamese regime would

fall. My sister and I wanted to bring Thanh-Tuyen to visit my father in My Tho, a distant

town. We got his approval to go and see him on April 28,1975. I remember that morning

as we got in the military jeep, we saw everybody running frantically in the street and

yelling that the V.C. had cut off all the main routes to all the cities. We were worried that

we would get caught in the middle of the fighting if we went that day, so we decided to

wait until the next day. We thought probably things would clear up and calm down then

it would be safer for us to go to see our father. But the next day, all the T.V. and radio

broadcasts were taken over by the V.C., and on the morning of April 30th, 1975, the

president of South Vietnam announced the victory of the V.C. and insisted that all the

South Vietnamese drop all weapons and cease the resistance.

 At that point, I knew the war was over, and tremendous feelings of anxiety and

apprehension overcame me. Part of me was happy because for many years I prayed for

the country to stop fighting, and my prayer was answered although it was not the way I

wanted. I had seen enough of parents crying for the loss of their children, enough of

children like me growing up without parents around, enough of cities and towns burned

to the ground, and enough of people who had no future. I was tired of war robbing the

innocence of all the young generation. I just wanted the whole country to be one

regardless whether it belonged to communists or whether it belonged to the free world.

Just so people did not have to kill each other for some stupid doctrines. Now that prayer

was answered, I should be happy, and I should join with others to celebrate the moment,

but I didn't.

 There were other uncertainties about what would happen to people who fought for

the old regime like my father and his family. I felt sorry for my father. He left his

homeland in the North and sought refuge in the South. He thought that he could escape

from the communists, but they caught up with him finally. I also started to worry for my

older sister, for myself, and especially for my youngest sister, Thanh-Tuyen. For me, I

still did not know how I should react to the new government. I did not know whether I

should take very drastic action to revenge my mother's death, or I should forget

everything and act like nothing had happened. Those mixed feelings made me angry

with myself because part of me want to cry and part of me want to shout with joy.

While I was busy with my own thoughts, my sister decided to let lieutenant Hien, all

the servants, housekeeper, driver, and Thanh-Tuyen's nanny go home to their families.

My sister and I planned to stay home and wait to hear from our father, but we did not

think that was a good idea because in such an unorganized and chaotic situation like this,

people would rob each other or kill each other without being caught or punished. The

easy target victims for these people were the families of soldiers or officers of the fallen

goverment. The villain could pretend to be the representative of the V.C. party and do

whatever they wanted. Finally we decided to ask my third uncle, my mother's brother,

to let us stay in his home for a few weeks. Then we would go to seek refuge with our

grandparents. He agreed, so we went to his place. Before we left we asked my father's

uncle who was living with us at that time to join us. He shook his head and refused to go

with us no matter how hard we insisted. We kind of understood how he felt because he

also escaped the communists from North Vietnam 25 years before, and now he had no

place else to run. We decided to leave him in our place for a night, so he could overcome

his disappointment, and we would come back and check with him again next morning.

That night, there was a lot of gun fire to celebrate the victory. People ran around and

shouted and sang for the new government. Voices on the loudspeakers gave out

adoration and admiration for the founder of Vietnamese communism, Ho Chi Minh.

After the admiration, the speech of condemnation of the defeated regime and its people

permeated every corner of the town. That night we all packed into my uncle's

apartment. We had seven people in one studio apartment: my older sister, Thanh Tuyen,

me, my uncle, his wife, and his two children. Everybody knew it was very uncomfortably

crowded, but fear and anxiety made us think less about our condition than our safety.

We were worried that the V.C. would go around to each and every household that night

to capture anybody who was related to the former government. And if they did that, they

could break into my uncle's place and arrest us anytime. Everybody tried to make it as

smooth for each other as possible.

 The next day, my uncle let us hide in his apartment while he went back to our house

to bring my great uncle. He was gone for about three or four hours, and he came back

and told us that my great uncle hanged himself the night before, and communists were

crowded into our house. They had the people who lived next door to bury my great

uncle, and at the same time they confiscated our house. My uncle told us not to go any

where near that area because a neighbor could recognize us. Then he went back to our

house again hoping that somebody would know something about my father. We all

hoped that my father would join another group to fly out of Vietnam before the fall of

Saigon. If that were the case, we would have a chance to reunite with our father again

sometime in the future. My uncle did not hear anything about my father that day. We

hoped that my father would not commit suicide like my great uncle did. We spent

another uncomfortable night at my uncle's apartment again. When the morning came,

my uncle went back to our house one more time to check for news of my father again.

This time he spent the whole day over there. We started to worry because we did not

know what had happened to my uncle. We worried that people had discovered his

presence and caught him. We waited for night to come before we could go back to our

place to find out where my uncle was.

 But as the night began to fall, my uncle showed up with my father and my father's

closest friend. We were all happy to see my father, but we were also disappointed

because he did not join with others to get out of Vietnam while he had a chance. My

sister and I came to hug my father and greet his friend. He told us that he could have left

Vietnam before the communists took over, but he could not go without us, and he could

not leave his men at the time that they counted on him the most. When the stand off time

began between both sides, he negotiated and arranged for all of his men to go free. For

his part, he and his friend slipped out of the headquarters secretly. They traveled through

rice fields and thick woods on foot. They were hungry and thirsty, but they would not

stop at any village because they did not want to get caught. They walked through almost

a hundred miles to get back to Can Tho.

When they came close to our house, they could not find us, and luckily, my uncle

found them. We spent another night at my uncle's place. This time it was even more

uncomfortable because of too many of us in one small room. That night, voices from

loudspeakers on every corner of the streets kept calling people who had worked for the

old regime to turn themselves in. The voices refered to the people worked for the old

regim as "traitors" because they helped Americans colonize the South. I felt

uncomfortable for myself, my family, and my father. For all these years, he put forth his

life to fight for the freedom that he thought anybody should deserve to have. Now all of

that was in vain, and he found himself in the midst of condemnation. I knew my father

had a hard time sleeping that night. I lay next to him on the floor, and I could see him

turning back and forth. I finally fell asleep. In my dream I saw my whole family together

eating, laughing, and joking. All my sisters were running around playing hide and seek,

and I joined them. Next thing I knew, someone gently touched my shoulder, and I woke

up. I saw my father was dressed already. It was almost nine o'clock in the morning, and

it was a bright sunny day. As I got up, my father said, " Duc, I woke you up, so I could

see you before I go to turn myself in. Why don't you get yourself ready. I have a few

things that I want to go over with you."

 So I hurried to get myself cleaned up. Then I went to him. " Father, I am ready. Did

you want to tell me something?"

He nodded his head and said, " You know you are the First son that I have . I have

worked very hard for you, and I tried to build a lot of things for your future, but now

everything I have worked for and built for is crumbling down and so does my own

future. You know when the communists took over, I could have stayed and fought them

to my last drop of blood. But I could not do it because I did not want to leave you

unprepared. I wanted to see you for one last time. That's why I walked miles and miles

back here to see you and your sisters. I planned to withdraw into the wild and join forces

with other soldiers to continue fighting against the communists. But I did not want your

sisters and you to suffer because of my actions, so I decided to turn myself in. I don't

know what will happen to me when the Viet Cong see me this time, but despite what

happens, I want you to promise me one thing. That is no matter what happens I want

you to promise me that you will go to college and complete your degree in college. And

if you can not fulfill your promise, then I want you to promise me that your children will.

O.K?"

 " Yes", I answered, "I will"

 " Good. Remember, try to fulfill that promise just like I tried to become a general as I

promised my mother before I escaped to the south thirty years ago. For the thirty years,

not a single day have I stopped working toward my promise. Although I cannot fulfill it,

I came very close. I want you to do the same for me. So from now on, stay in school.

Learn and learn and learn as long as you live. If you truly love me, you have to stay in

school and learn. Only when I learn that you work hard to fulfill your promise, I will feel

the ultimate satisfaction that all of my effort was not in vain. However, if I learn that you

give up trying and content yourself with the unfulfilled life, I would prefer to die than to

live in shame. So don't lead a wasteful and disgraceful life. Can you promise me that?"

 " Yes father, I promise." As I looked up, I could see tears begin to fill his eyes. Then, he

put his arms around me and he cried.

 In his cry, he said, " I don't know how it could end this way. It already broke my

heart just to see them like this already. Now it's even more unbearable that I have to turn

myself in and leave them helplessly behind."

 After few seconds passed, he then continued, " You know that I love you and even

though we may not see each other again. I want you to know that I will always love you.

Now I want you to kneel down so I can give you my last blessing before I leave."

 I knelt down before him, and he placed his hand on my head and prayed: " My

heavenly father. A long time ago Isaac gave his final blessing to his son Jacob. Now I

pray you to grant me my final blessing to my son, Duc. May God be with Duc in

everything he does. May he be safe and successful in all the aspects of his life. As I depart

from him today, I leave him in your hand. Please don't turn away from him. I pray these

things in Christ's name. Amen. Now you can stand up." I stood up.

 " It's time for me to go. Remember the promise and please don't dissapoint me.

Goodbye." He hugged my sisters and me very hard for one long last time, and he walked

out toward the street with his friend. I stayed back and watched him walking away from

us. Each time he made a step forward was each time my heart was torn away one piece at

a time. I wanted to run to my father and hug him very hard for one more time, but I tried

very hard not to make it anymore difficult for him. He had been through too much

already. Tears started to fill in my eyes as I thought of his life, and his sacrifice for us, but

I had to look away so he would not see my eyes. Next to me, my older sister was holding

Thanh-Tuyen, who was almost two years old, and crying as she saw him walk away. As

his shadow dissapeared behind the corner of the street, I started to feel afraid of what

would happen to us next. There was always a chance that people could find out about us

and kill us. There was no one who could protect us now. I told my sister to take Thanh-

Tuyen inside my uncle's apartment and wait for further advice from my uncle.

 My father's friend had to travel to another town to see his own family. For the

whole day I was very worried for my father because anything could happen to him. I

prayed for him, and I waited, and I prayed for him again. My sister and I waited and

waited all day. Time seemed so slow that day to us. Finally, my father showed up again.

He said that they let him come back to his family to get things necessary to bring with

him because they planned to keep my father in the compound for the night, and they

would transfer him and others to North Vietnam the next day. He packed up, gave my

sisters and me one last hug and kiss, and walked out. Suddenly, I felt like I had lost a big

part of me, and the rest of that day was empty and meaningless to me.

 After my father left, my sisters and I continued to stay on with my uncle a few days

more before we could get permission to go to Saigon city. While we were waiting for the

relocating permission, I had to go back to my class to request my school transcript. As I

walked into my class, there was a nervous and apprehensive feeling of what could

happen to me. I did not know what my friends would say and do to me when they saw

me again. And just as I expected, my friends and my classmates started to point at me

and call out loud, " Son of the traitor". Then they began guessing what kind of

punishments I would receive in the future. They told me that there was an execution at

the soccer stadium during the past weekend. They said that the new local authority

beheaded a man who had the same rank as my father. My heart was beating fast as I

heard that. As I was about to break down and cry, they said that people brought the

man's family and his son to the stadium to witness the execution. I then felt relief that the

man was not my father. At the same time, I shared the same feeling with the boy. They

told me that the boy went to the same school with us. At that time, the school bell rang,

and my home room teacher walked in, we all stood up to greet her. With the same

routine, she pulled out the attendance lists and called out each individual student to

check for his presence. When she got to my name, some of my classmates yelled, " He is

the traitor's son".

Then, my teacher told them to keep it down and advised them not to speak

anymore in the class. As soon as she finished the list, I walked up to her and expressed

my request for a transcript. She said she would help me get it, and in that short period of

our conversation, I could see a true concern and understanding in her eyes. There was

not much we could say to each other because that was not a time for expressing feelings.

From then on, I could not absorb anything anymore in that class. I also said goodbye to

some of my close friends. I kept going to school for about a week. Then my sister got the

relocation permission, and we caught the bus to go to Saigon.

To be continued ...