31 thg 12, 2010

Victor over the Past - Chapter 26 to 28


From: … Nguyen @yahoo.com>
Subject: Nguyen 's Biography
To: thuyhang606@yahoo.com
Date: Wednesday, February 24, 2010, 9:42 AM
Thân tặng TH quyển hồi ký …

" Về chia sẻ kinh nghiệm với bạn bè. TH cứ tự nhiên. Nếu bài học cuả mình có hữu ích được cho đời thì mình nên chia sẻ. Có vậy thì xã hội mới tiến bộ và phát triển được. Những gì mình có thể để lại trên đời này thì mình nên để lại."


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CHAPTER 26

I still communicated with my father through letters. He told me that He was
released because he was so sick and because he had demonstrated a model behavior in the
camp. As soon as he got out of the camp, he went to my grandparents' place to look for his
children. There he learned about the situation. He found out that Thanh-Tuyen was living
with my third uncle in My Tho. He went to My Tho to see her and introduced himself to
her. Thanh-Tuyen later on told me that she did not recognize him at first until he showed
her the picture in which he was holding her when she was an infant. He told her that he
was the man in the picture. Only then she recognized him. My father stayed in My Tho for
a few days then he left Thanh-Tuyen there with my uncle's family because they adopted
her as their daughter. He went back to Saigon and had somebody to make contact with my
older sister. He also tried to make contact with my step mother Aunt Dung. When my
sister came to see him, she brought her husband with her, and she introduced him to my
father. My father instructed her to go to my grandparents' land and stay there. He would
have to remain in Saigon to wait for Aunt Dung's arrival. To show the respect to my father,
Thanh-Tung and her family moved back to Bien Hoa to live. My step mother took my step
brother to Saigon to see my father. Once they reunited, my father decided to stay in Saigon


with my fifth uncle. He also wrote a letter to my grandparents and asked them to give up
the property that my mother bought to Thanh-Tung. My grandparents and my fourth
uncle were very angry about my father's letter. They cursed and made threats to Thanh-
Tung everyday. Thanh-Tung told my father to forget about my mother's land. She told him
that it would be better for her if she could go back to the live with her husband's family.
She could not stand the abuse anymore. My father did not agree. He demanded that she
continue to stay in Bien Hoa. Finally, my sister could not bear it any longer. She and Her
husband moved back to Can Tho. The relationship between my father and my mother's
parents remained unresolved. Not long after that my father found himself in a difficult
situation. He and his own family could not stay with my fifth uncle permanently. He had
to find a way to move out, but he had not found the solution yet. He then began to look for
ways to escape out of Vietnam. He started to wander to many places in Saigon to get a
connection for his trip. Somehow Thanh-Tuyen knew about his intention to leave Vietnam.
She was afraid to lose her father again. She sold her books to buy a ticket to Saigon and
look for my father without consulting my third uncle and his wife. She was only in the
second grade at school then. I did not know this until later when my uncle's wife told me
about Thanh-Tuyen. Fortunately, she found my father and stayed with him.

 My father and his family continued to live in Saigon. Aunt Dung later on bore him
another son. He named the baby Nhan-Quan. As time progressed, he felt more and more
pressure from my mother's side. They wanted him and his family out. He wrote me many
letters and told me not to forget this stigma. I felt sad for him and especially for Thanh-
Tuyen. She had to witness another distress happening to her family again. I felt helpless
because I could not do anything to help them at all except sending them some gifts to ease
their financial burden at the time. I spent all of my savings to buy gifts for my father.

 Almost every month I sent gifts to him, so he could resale them and live on the profits.
From time to time, my father wrote me a letter and told me that he was still proud of me.
He also expressed his thanks to the Joseys and the Phelps for helping me. He also asked
Mrs. Carleen and Mrs. Josey to accept me as one of their children. He then indicated that he
wanted to meet me in America soon. Based on my escape experience and others'
experiences that I learned at the refugee camp, I quickly advised him not to try to escape,
and I told him that I would get him out of Vietnam as soon as I finished my schooling.
During that time, I continued to send gifts to my family.

 As months went by, the school quarter ended. I also finished all the courses needed to
apply for Georgia Tech. Once I finished, Mrs. Josey, who later on is referred as nana Josey
because I think of her as my own mother, helped me to fill out the application and to send
it to Georgia Tech. They accepted me for the fall quarter of 1983. So from spring to the end
of summer , I worked part time as a chemistry lab assistant at South Georgia College. I met
some interesting people during the spring quarter. First, I got to know Antoni Foe, a
student from Indonesia. I met Antoni in a computer science class. We helped each other in
doing homework and projects. Gradually, I got to know the whole group of students from
Indonesia. I got to be very close with Antoni because he was honest, sincere, and a smart
fellow. I even invited Antoni to spend the entire school break with me at the Josey's house.

Then I met Melanie , a nursing student. We got to know each other for a few weeks.
Then one day she invited me to come to visit her family. Ironically, that was the same day I
got the news that my father was put back in prison. My sister wrote me and told me that
my father was riding a bicycle to go to a drug store. He forgot to bring his personal
identification along with him. At that time, there was a threat from Hoa-Hao, a Vietnamese
religious cult. They wanted to retaliate against the local government for banning their
practices. To keep everything under control, the local government set up a lot of check
points in different areas of Saigon. When they asked my father for his identification papers,
he did not have it ready to show them, so they handcuffed my father and put him in the
prison until they could finish their investigation. My sister did not know how long they
would keep my father in the prison this time. Once my father was gone, Aunt Dung took
her two sons and Thanh-Tuyen back to her mother's land to live. As soon as I found out
about my father's situation, I felt that everything I had worked for, everything I had
dreamed of, and every effort I had put in so far was in vain. I felt all torn up inside. My
whole life and everything that I had worked for collapsed that day.

 I knew that I could not be in a cheerful mood at all that day. I wanted to cancel the plan
to visit Melanie, but I did not want to be misunderstood. I asked Antoni to go with me. I
needed Antoni to help me deal with the situation at Melanie's place. Antoni did a fantastic
job of entertaining the family while I tried very hard to swallow my tears and bring an
awkward smile to my face. Even when Melanie brought out the cake that she personally
baked for me, although it was a good cake, I found it difficult to swallow. I knew no matter
how hard I tried, her family detected anyway that something was wrong although they did
not say it. I did not bother to explain it to them because I did not want to depress them
further. Plus, I was not quite sure that they could understand it anyway. After the dinner,
Antoni and I excused ourselves to go back to the Josey's house.

 That night, I went to bed early so nobody could see me crying in the dark. I cried for my
father's fate, and I cried for Thanh-Tuyen's fate too. I felt sad for my stepmother and my
stepbrother. All these years, they had been faithfully waiting for my father, and now they
had to live through it again. I wondered why my father did not have the patience to wait
for me. Every benefit that I had strived for was going down the drain. I felt so helpless. I
wished that a miracle could happen to me, so that I could become rich instantly. Then I
could go home to save my family. But it was only wishful thinking.

As days went by, Melanie and I saw less of each other. Finally, she broke up with
me. Although I felt sad that we broke up, I felt better for her. Through my experience, I had
learned that it would be better to let someone I cared for go if I could not guarantee the
happiness and the well-being for that person. So I went back to join the Indonesian group. I
told myself that I should not date anybody else because I had nothing but a bleak future for
them to look forward to.

 Only a couple of weeks later, I met Julita Chandra, your mother. She was a pretty, sweet,
innocent, and kind hearted person. I met her through Antoni again. I remember I saw her
maybe the year before when I met Antoni, but I never had an opportunity to get close
enough to talk to her. I never thought that the opportunity to know your mother would
come to me at all until I got to know Antoni. Then I met your mother again. A few weeks
later, I asked your mother out for a date. She accepted. And we started to see each other
after that. We went out once or twice during the spring quarter. When the school term was
over, your mother went to Miami to stay with her aunts. I still stayed in Douglas. We
continued to write each other. Your mother said that she could have moved to the
University of Texas with all of her friends, but she did not want to give up the chance of us
seeing each other. She wanted to go to University of North Carolina in Charlotte. After the
school break, your mother moved to the university in Charlotte, North Carolina, and all of
her friends moved to the university in Texas. From there on, your mother and I wrote to
each other very often.

 ====


CHAPTER 27


 When the fall came, I was accepted to Georgia Tech under an electrical engineering
program. I then got in touch with Hai Tran, and he told me that he had found a furnished
apartment for me in Atlanta. That was nice of him to do that because if he had not, I would
have had a much harder time finding a place to live. Once the apartment was found, the
Joseys took me to Atlanta. After we got to Atlanta and found the apartment, the Joseys
made sure I was settled before they went back to Douglas. Before they left, Nana Josey
gave me a check and told me that her church gave it to me so I could buy meals in school. I
did use the check for my meals. I remember the first day that I got to Atlanta. I was in awe
to see the sky scraper buildings and highway systems. They were so beautiful, so strong,
and so magnificent. Being from an undeveloped country, I could never imagine how
powerful human knowledge and how advanced civilization was until I saw the results
with my own eyes.

 Then I realized that in Vietnam I had been at least a hundred years behind life in
America. That meant I had to work very hard to close the educational gap before I could
catch up with life in America. Having seen the fruits of civilization, I promised myself that
I would study very hard so one day I would be able to help contribute to it. Soon after I felt
exhilarated with the glimpse of modern civilization, I went through a sad and puzzled
feeling when I walked past some homeless people on the side walk. The picture of them
lying in the cold, neglected by indifferent pedestrians passing reminded me of myself
when I was in Vietnam. I could feel exactly how those people felt at that moment. I had
slept on the street before. I had listened to people's foot steps, to automotive engines, and
to people's voices on the street before. I had also felt the cold and the dew of the night
before although nothing could compare to the bitter winter cold in America. I wondered
how these people could end up homeless in America. No matter what, I prayed that I
would not have to go through that experience again in the future.

 After a long break from spring to fall, I was ready for the new challenge of the new
school. The first quarter I did very well. I did well because I did not do anything but focus
on my studying only. One thing I found out when I moved to Tech was that everything
around it was very expensive. With all the grant and the loans, and the support from the
church, I barely had just enough to spend on books, room, food, and laundry. There was
nothing left for either transportation or entertainment. There were times girls in my study
groups asked me to go out for movies or dinners. Although I wanted to very much, I
turned them down. I found all the excuses to get away. Most of the time I lied to them that
I had to study for my next class. I had to do it because I had nothing left for me to spend.
Even if I had something extra, I could not spend it for myself because I could not enjoy
anything while in the back of my mind, I knew that my family was still suffering. I guess
those people knew that I lied, but they did not know why I had to lie to them.

 During this time, Aunt Dung wrote me letters and asked me for more support because
she had to take care of her children and my father in prison. At the same time, I got a letter
from my sister Thanh-Tung. She told me that she went to Aunt Dung's place to take Thanh-
Tuyen back with her already. She told me that Thanh-Tuyen was mistreated by my step
mother, and that was why she took Thanh-Tuyen back with her. She too asked for my
support.

On top of trying to survive in a big school and in a big city, I was torn apart by the
family conflict. Somehow I found myself back in a helpless situation again. I was at the
point that I could not help them at all. Yet letters from Vietnam kept coming every other
week. Each one asked for money. Each one tore me apart each time I read it. I could not
reply to their letters because I did not have a remedy for their problems. I began to lose my
focus and concentration on my school work. Gradually, I felt depressed more and more
everytime I thought of my family. Finally, I chose not to reply to any of the letters from
Vietnam. I just pretended that I was dead or vanished for a moment, so that I could hang
on to my education.

Many times I searched for other options for my situation. I kept asking myself
whether I should stop my education and work to be able to help my family or should I
continue to go to school. I had gone so far now that I could not go back anymore. Many
nights, I wandered alone on the campus. I looked around me. Everyone had families and
friends around them, but for me, I was still a loner and a drifter in an unfamiliar land.
Feelings of loneliness overtook my heart. The more I thought of Vietnam, the more I felt
very helpless and lonely. I remembered that not too long ago, I had both of my parents and
the whole family, but now both of my parents were gone, and I was not anywhere near to
my loved ones. Sometimes I starred and dream at the sky, I felt that the clouds still
overshadowed my future. I wanted to find some easy path that I could take, but at that
time it seemed as though none of them could give me a complete solution. Either I stopped
working for my future so that I could take care of my present and my past or I just had to
struggle with my present so I could be in a better position in the future. If I wanted to
resolve the present and the past, I had to quit school, but if I wanted to be able to take care
not only of my family in Vietnam but also my future family, I had to complete my
education. After many sleepless nights, I decided to stop supporting my family in Vietnam,
so I could continue my education; plus even if I gave up school, I would not be sure that I
could meet all the needs that they expressed. It was very hard for me to stop contact with
them, but I had to do it.

Some nights when I was about to go to sleep, the picture of how my father, my
sister, and Thanh Tuyen were suffering still brought back my heart aches. I still cried
silently in the night. Many times I had a dream of going back to Vietnam. In my dream, I
was able to reunite with my sisters and my father. Then in the middle of my happiness, I
was dragged away by the local authority because I had sneaked back into Vietnam
illegally. Overwhelmed with fear and regret, I woke up. I felt disappointed because I was
still far away from my loved ones.

 For the entire quarter, the only things that healed my heart were your mother's letters
and phone calls. She often wrote to me and called me without any demand for my support
or expecting anything from me. She did not mind staying on the phone to cheer me up or
sharing with me her school life. Many times she asked me to come up to her school to visit
her, but I told her that I could not afford the fare. Realizing that I would never be able to
afford to go to see her, she decided to come down to see me. I felt bad for her because she
had to spend her money not only for herself but also for me too. When she came to see me,
she wanted to go out for fun. But because I could not pay for the meals, she ended up
paying for them. I was very uncomfortable, but I could not do any better. I told myself that
I would find the way to make it up to her one day. Your mother spent a weekend with me.
Then she went back to Charlotte for school. After she left, I had to fight with my own
feelings again before I could fully focus on my studying. Soon the first quarter was over,
and everybody prepared for the break.

I went back to Douglas for the break. I wanted to let people in the Northside Baptist
church know that their support for me was not in vain. I found the warmth and the
welcome of everybody from the church during the Christmas and New Year in Douglas.
When the break was over, I went back to Georgia Tech for another quarter.

 Winter quarter was slightly better for me. One of the advantages was that I was more
familiar with things around the campus and the courses this time. I still did very well at
school. Your mother and I still contacted each other by phone almost every two or three
weeks. Everyday I walked through dangerous neighborhoods to school. I always stayed in
the school library until late at night. When I finished my study, I walked back through the
dangerous zone again to my apartment. I still received letters from Vietnam from time to
time, but I did not respond to them at all. There was no point to reply because it just
depressed me even more. Every other weekend, Hai and I walked miles in the winter
weather to get groceries and carried them back to our place for the following weeks. Then
on Sunday, we walked to a Laundromat to do laundry. At the apartment, we still kept on
studying hard everyday. Things seemed smoother for me for the winter quarter. Your
mother came to see me once again in the middle of the quarter. Soon the quarter ended and
I went back to the Josey's place for the break again.

After the break, I came back to Tech for the spring quarter. Spring went by smoothly
for me also. I made good grades for that quarter. Then summer came. I did not go to school
during the summer, so I went back to Douglas and worked as chemistry lab assistant for
South Georgia College again. Summer went by quickly. Then came the Fall. This time, I
had to struggle to live by myself because Hai went to work under the co-op program. I had
to search for an apartment by myself. The cost for an apartment was twice as much this
time as it was before, and the distance from the apartment to school was ten times further
than it was before when I stayed with Hai. Every morning, I caught a bus to school and in
the afternoon, I took a bus back to my place. After six P.M, there was no bus for the route in
the area, so I could not go to the library at night to study. I had to study at home.

 There were times I had to go to the library at night to get materials to prepare for exams.
Because there was no bus on the route for me at night, I had to walk to the school campus
and back. Along the way, I passed through different residential subdivisions. I saw homes
where families were gathering together in their dining rooms and living rooms. Members
of those families were talking, laughing, and sitting around the table under a warm yellow
light. Standing outside in the dark and witnessing such a warm and loving atmosphere, I
wished very much that one day I could build my own family and be able to create that kind
of warm and loving environment in my home. But to be able to do that, I first had to be
able to get a job and gradually save enough money to buy a house. Then and only then, I
would be able to think about having a warm and loving atmosphere in my home. That
brought me back to reality. I just could not stand there and wish or dream about it. I had to
put forth every effort and energy to make it happen, and the very thing that I should do at
that moment was to hurry to the library to study. Then I hastened my footsteps to get to
the library. After I finished my study, I had to walk back to my apartment. I then had to
pass by those houses again. This time every one was fast asleep already. No more lights in
the living rooms. While people were nicely resting, I was still fighting my tiredness to walk
home.

One time, I failed a test in my class. I felt so disgusted at myself for being a failure, and I
felt guilty for letting my father down. Being hit by the frustration and having no one
around to communicate with, I felt totally rejected. My family was not there for me when I
was down. Yet every letter I got from them was asking for more support. It seemed as if
nobody was concerned about my welfare and my being; whereas, I tried my best to care
about them. But I could not blame it on them either because they were in a much worse
situation than I was. I could only blame myself for being unable to overcome the obstacles.
The feeling so overwhelmed me that I broke my hand as I punched into the concrete floor.
My roommate found out and took me to a hospital clinic for bandages. Soon I realized that
I had to learn to live with my own limitations because I was in a much more difficult
situation than I had been in Douglas. In Atlanta, I had to struggle on my own without
help, and it was too late to back out from school. There was only one way left for me; I had
to hang on until I graduated. I had to keep on doing what I had been doing. On top of that
I had to find ways to do things better and more efficiently. Although the quarter was
harder, I was still able to do well at the end.

 When the school break came, I decided to stay in Atlanta and find a job to pay for my
expenses. After, a long and painful process of job hunting, I found a part time job at a gift
store. That job barely helped me to pay for the rent, transportation, and food. About the
same time, your mother decided to come to visit me again for the break. It seemed that visit
was the mark of our steadiness. We spent our Christmas and New Year holidays together.
At that time, I knew there were some boys who had asked your mother out, but she turned
them down even though those boys were much better off than I was. Instead of being with
other fun-filled, spirited friends she had in school, she came down to comfort and to cheer
me up when I was feeling down. From there on I told myself that I would marry her and
do everything in my power to bring her happiness.

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CHAPTER 28


 As the time progressed, my classes were more difficult and demanding. I had to work
more hours to be able to survive. The amount of time I could study was less. I became
exhausted psychologically, mentally, and emotionally. My grades kept dropping
drastically. I found myself caught in the wicked cycle again. For me to be able to survive in
the big city, I had to work. The more I worked the less I could study. The less I studied the
less chance I could graduate. If I did not graduate, the less chance for me to survive in the
future. I knew I could do better, but I could not afford to spend much time to study at all.
And by the time I had free time, I was physically exhausted already. At that time, I got
another letter from my father. He was released from the prison after 18 months of
investigation. He made contact with Aunt Dung again, and he demanded Thanh-Tung to
bring Thanh-Tuyen back to him. This time he determined to escape out of Vietnam. I sold
my books and used every bit of money I had left to buy gifts to send him one more time. I
also wrote him a letter reminding him to be patient and wait for me to finish schooling
first. He got the gift, but it seemed my words could not change his mind at all. He instead
wrote me another letter and asked me to quit school for a while to concentrate on helping
him and the family. I read his letter and all the sadness overtook my heart. I wondered
why my father did this to me. I wondered whether my father realized the situation I was in
or not. In all my life, I never thought of disobeying my father, but this was the first time I
had to. I had no other choice. I prayed in silence that my father would forgive my
disobedience one day. I prayed that my father would understand that I have gone too far
down the road to turn around. From there on, I did not answer my father's letters again. A
few months later, he wrote me another one and told me that Aunt Dung had left him. She
could not continue to follow him anymore. All he had left was Thanh-Tuyen. He started to
move back to Tra Vinh, the town where he was a mayor before. There he found somebody
to support him. Thanh-Tuyen and he stayed with one family for a few months then moved
to the next family. Eventually, he lived the life that I used to live before I left Vietnam. The
one thing that hurt me the most was that Thanh-Tuyen had to share the price; the price that
she did not deserve. I could not understand why my father put Thanh-Tuyen in such a
situation. The more I thought of it the more painful my heart became. I felt like someone
had ripped my heart apart. I began to lose my breath. I tried hard to gasp for air, but it
seemed to be a bit difficult for me. A few minutes passed, I regained my normal breathing.
Then I was afraid that I would die if I continued to think about my father and his situation.
I told myself that I had to block it out of my mind. I had to live because my family still
needed me. I had to forget my family if I wanted to survive.

As the year went by, your mother graduated. I still had three more quarters left
before I could graduate. Instead of going back home, she decided to live with me. At that
time she decided to let her family know about our relationship. And she told them that we
wanted to get married. I guessed they were surprised to know about us. They had never
met me. Although they never told me, I knew how concerned and how worried they were
for your mother. I knew I would worry for your mother, too, if I were her parents.

 Having received the news, your mother's older sister represented your mother's parents
to contact me. She asked about my background, my current situation, and how we knew
each other. She did not express any objection about our relationship. She also said that her
family would support our decision if we chose to get married. Once your mother and I
knew that there was no objection from her family, we were married in the courthouse.
Then we informed her family about our status. The more they knew about us, the more
they were worried. They knew I did not have a family at all. They were not quite sure what
type of personality and temperament I had. They knew I could barely support myself. So
they sent us airplane tickets to go to Indonesia to have a marriage ceremony with them. We
took the trip to Indonesia in the Summer 1987. When I got there, I was overwhelmed with
the sight. I felt like I was taken back through time before the fall of South Vietnam. The
Indonesian climate and life style was almost exactly like Vietnam. It seemed like I had
found my old familiar feeling. At that point I could not help but wish it was Vietnam, so I
could go and find my sisters and hug them in my arms. But the thoughts quickly
disappeared as I came to your mother's house. I met everybody. They were very nice and
kind-hearted people. No wonder your mother has the same traits. They did their best to
hide their concern and tried to provide a comforting atmosphere for me. They told me that
if I wanted, I could stay in Indonesia, and they would help me to build a good life over
there. I had the chance to go to different places in Indonesia for sight seeing and enjoyment.
I had fun at first, but everywhere I went I saw people working hard all their lives just to be
able to survive. I saw women who left their children with relatives for the whole day and
carried heavy loads on their heads and walked all day and all night trying to make money
so that they could keep their children alive. When they found their customers, they went
through a whole ordeal of bargaining and begging process before they could earn a small
profit. Those pictures reminded me of my older sister and my younger sister. Suddenly,
my heart was aching from the same old wound. Then all my fun was gone. I felt like the
place and the time were totally wrong for me during the time I was there. After a few
weeks , I felt so much hurt for those people that I could not bear it any longer. I wanted to
come back to America. But I had to wait for everybody to gather together for your mother's
wedding ceremony.

 A few weeks passed by; the wedding happened. On the groom's side there was only me
and the rest were the bride's side. In the morning, We went through a tea ceremony
according to the chinese tradition. We were supposed to serve tea to the older members of
the family as a way of asking for their acceptance. They in turn offered us something as a
proof of their approval. Your mother and I had a lot of gifts from her side. But she did not
have anything from my side. In the evening, we invited all the friends and relatives to a
chinese restaurant and treated them to supper as a public announcement and as a means of
sharing our happiness. The wedding went through very smoothly; thanks to your mother's
family. They took care of all of the wedding expenses. After the wedding, Your mother's
family arranged a honeymoon trip for us. We went to Borobudur to visit one of the oldest
temples in the country. We stopped by Surabaya city to visit your mother's relatives. Then
we went to Bali, a popular island for tourists and honeymooners. When the honeymoon
was over, your mother's family insisted that I stay longer, but I had to come back to
complete school. I came back by myself first, and your mother stayed there with her family
for a few more months.

The day I left Indonesia, I promised myself that one day I would go back in a
different situation. I would go back with a well accomplished and self sufficient image not
like the image that I was bringing home. When I got back from the Summer 1987, I tried to
do well in school again, but I found myself totally drained very quickly. I could neither
concentrate on the books nor retain what I read anymore. All those years that I had been
struggling had started to take their toll on me. My performance was poorer and poorer
each day.

Then I got news from my father again. He still wondered why I did not reply to him
for all of these years. He also wondered whether I realized that I was the only hope for him
or not. He told me that he had traveled from town to town to meet people and to find his
way out, and that he had found somebody willing to help him to escape. He had borrowed
a certain amount of money from these people for his escape, and as insurance for their
trust, he left Thanh Tuyen there with his friends and their families. He wrote me and told
me that he would meet me in the U.S. very soon. As soon as I learned the news, I knew that
he really meant it this time. I was very worried for him. I started to count the days passing
by and waited to hear from him. Weeks went by, neither I nor my sisters heard anything
about him anymore. Then I knew he was not as lucky as I was with my escape. I knew he
was killed on the trip. At that point I knew my dream for a family reunion would no longer
come true.

I began to worry for Thanh Tuyen. She was about twelve years old at that time. I did not
know what my father's friends would do to her when they found out that my father no
longer lived to pay back his debt. A month later, I learned that my older sister went to Tra
Vinh and to my father's friends' house. She asked to take Thanh Tuyen back to live with
her. They finally let Thanh-Tuyen go. From there on Thanh Tuyen stayed with my older
sister and her family. Thanh-Tung had three daughters at that time. Her husband and she
still struggled for their lives, but they managed to survive from day to day. I felt a little bit
better to know that Thanh-Tuyen would be safe with my sister, but I was still concerned
about their living conditions. They lived in the place that they had to clear the land and
tame it just to be able to grow some food to eat. Back to the same situation of worrying a lot
but not much of doing, I had to try to keep them out of my mind again.

 To be continued ...
http://moon-ah.blogspot.com/2010/10/victor-over-past-chapter-29-to-31.html


Victor over the Past - Chapter 22 to 25

From: … Nguyen @yahoo.com>
Subject: Nguyen 's Biography
To: thuyhang606@yahoo.com
Date: Wednesday, February 24, 2010, 9:42 AM
Thân tặng TH quyển hồi ký …

" Về chia sẻ kinh nghiệm với bạn bè. TH cứ tự nhiên. Nếu bài học cuả mình có hữu ích được cho đời thì mình nên chia sẻ. Có vậy thì xã hội mới tiến bộ và phát triển được. Những gì mình có thể để lại trên đời này thì mình nên để lại."


====


CHAPTER 22


Once the plane landed, we took buses from Manila to Bataan, Philippines. We
traveled up to the mountain side. The camp in Bataan was located on one of the mountain
areas. After a couple of hours, we reached the camp finally. This camp was bigger than the
one in Thailand. It occupied an area of one square mile. It was divided in to four districts.
Any one district had about twelve or thirteen complex buildings. Each building was
divided into eight different partitions. Every partition could accommodate at least a family
of five.

The whole facility was quite nice. In the morning, we all received food distribute by
our elected building leader. We also got cookware and oil for cooking. For water, we were
supplied with fresh water twice a day for washing and cooking. Everything was planned
well and basically sufficient. One did not have to depend on someone else to survive. For
school, each district had six English classes every Tuesday and Thursday. The classes had
different levels. They varied from very beginning to quite proficient levels. Some were
offered in the morning while the others were in the afternoon. All the teachers were
volunteers. I was one of the volunteer teachers. I taught the very beginning level. One
advantage of being a teacher was that a person was taught by a Philippino instructor a few
hours before that person went back to teach his own class. Meeting the Philippino
instructor was the only chance for me to practice my English. My class always started at
one o'clock and dismissed by two o'clock. Once I got through with my classes, I went deep
into the woods by a spring where I could be by myself. There I opened my book and
studied again until I got tired. Everytime I got tired, my thoughts went to my father, my
older sister, and Thanh-Tuyen again. The thought of how much they had sacrificed
themselves for me forced me not to put down my English book and give in to my tiredness.
I felt that I needed to push myself harder so I did not disappoint them. I have got to pay
the price so that one day I can bring back the smiles to their faces. I then got up, walked
around to wake myself up, and studied again until I could not fight my sleepiness
anymore. Then I lay down by the spring and closed my eyes. The sound of water hitting
against the rock and the wind in the trees soothed my soul, and I drifted away into my
dream.

In my dream, I saw everybody again. I also saw Thanh-Tuyen coming up beside me. She
took me by the hand and led me to a rice field, and we played hide and seek. Suddenly I
woke up in the middle of the happiest moment of being with my family. For a moment I
thought my reality was a bad dream and my dream was truly my own reality. I tried to go
back to sleep again, so I could be with my family. No matter how hard I tried, I just could
not. Then I knew that I was truly separated from my own family. Faced with this sad
reality, I determined to hit the book again. I remembered that I had studied in the past that
man could withstand and rise above the worst situation, and I had no choice but to do it.
As I looked around, I was the only person in the isolated area. The loneliness started to
overtake me. My eyes began to fill with tears again. The feeling of missing my family began
to overwhelm me. I was afraid that if I kept letting my feelings control me I could never
study anymore, and I would disappoint my father, my older sister, and especially Thanh-
Tuyen. So I bit my lip and wiped my tears trying to suppress my emotions. I managed to
get back to the book and study again. I stayed by the spring until sun down when I went
back to my building to sleep.

 Some clear nights I could not sleep; I got up from the platform where I slept, and I
stepped outside the building. I looked up to the sky where all the stars were blinking down
from above. I tried to picture my father tied up and sleeping outside in the field with no
cover on him. I could feel how he put up with mosquitos biting his body and how he put
up with the hunger and the exhaustion so that his children would not have to experience
what he went through. Then I thought of my older sister, Thanh-Tung. I could see her by
herself getting up in the middle of the night, carrying heavy rice bags, sugar bags, and
other needed items, sneaking through all the stop points to take them to different stores to
get the commission. And I could see her expression when she received the money and
found out it was just barely enough to get her through a day or two. I knew my sister had
sacrificed more than herself to take care of Thanh-Tuyen and me. I remembered how my
sister used to be very well respected by most boys and girls in her class, but now she had to
go through all kinds of humiliation to make a living. Sometimes I wished that my mother
could still live with us. I knew that had my mother still lived, her daughter would not have
to go through this by herself. And I knew had my mother still lived with us, Thanh-Tuyen's
life would be much more complete than now. Then, I started to see Thanh-Tuyen living by
herself among those who were careless about her well being. I knew everyday Thanh
Tuyen would be by herself wandering alone in the orchard. Then I wondered, when she
grew up, would she still remember the songs I used to sing with her? Would she still
remember the time we slept on our mother's tomb? Would she still remember me and love
me when she found out that I had left her for good? The more I thought of Thanh- Tuyen
the more intense the pain in my heart got. Then I looked up into the sky, and I felt like my
mother and my sisters were looking at me. I started praying for their forgiveness because I
was not able to take care of Thanh-Tuyen.

 Then I thought of Hang. I hoped she would not look for me anymore. I could not
provide her a future, so I could not be with her, and I could not afford to focus on anyone
else but Thanh-Tuyen, my youngest sister. For Hang, I prayed that she could one day find
the right man and truly experience the completeness and happiness of her own family.

 Then I turned my thoughts to the future. I did not know what it would turn out to be.
America was a new place where the people and the culture were completely different to
me. I did not know how people would accept me. How could I survive there with no
language, no skills, and no support from anybody? And how could I start to support my
father, my sister, and Thanh-Tuyen once I landed in America? The more I thought, the
more I got worried and confused. Finally, I went back to the building to sleep and prepare
for the new day.

 I kept on the same schedule for the entire six months. Then I was called up for the final
trip to the United States of America. The day prior to the morning I left the camp, some
people that I knew on the boat gave me a pair of pants, a couple of shirts, and a pair of old
tennis shoes, so I could look somewhat presentable on the plane. I was transported by bus
to Manila, Philippines and spent a night there before I could catch the plane next morning.

When the morning came, I went to the airport and got into the plane. As the plane lifted
off from the run way, I looked back to the Philippines and tried to recall every moment and
every memory that I had of that land for the past six months. I thanked the people and the
country for providing me the protection and shelter. When the plane reached its
predetermined altitude, I breathed out a sigh of relief. I felt great because I had overcome
another obstacle and made another step closer to my destination. However, at the same
moment, I began to feel a bit nervous. I prayed that God would help me to reach my final
destination and land safely. I prayed that I would be able to speak the new language and
survive in the new land. I prayed that God would keep me from being a failure, so that one
day I could bring back the smile to my father's and my sisters' faces. I prayed that I would
be able to support my sisters in the future. And I prayed that God would send angels to
protect my father and my sisters while I was still struggling for my life. Sadly in my
situation, prayer was the only thing I could do for my family.

 ====

CHAPTER 23


After the sixteen hours flight, I arrived at Los Angeles, California. Then from Los
Angeles, I took another flight to Jacksonville, Florida. After four hours, the plane finally
landed. At the airport, I met my sponsor Mr. King. He took me to my final destination
Waycross, Georgia. When I reached Waycross, I was kind of disappointed because I did not
see skyscrapers and tall buildings like I expected to see when I was in the refugee camp. All
I saw was a small town with not much activity. Then I was taken to an old three bedroom
house. There I lived with eleven other refugees. There were ten single men and a married
couple. The way it was arranged, the house inside allowed one bedroom for the married
couple, one room with six twin beds for six guys, and the other room with four single beds
for the rest of the men.

 The house was not air conditioned, and I arrived in the middle of the month of July
1980. It was the first time I experienced the unbearable heat of a Georgia summer. In
Vietnam the heat was just as intensive as it is in Georgia. However, unlike those in Georgia,
most houses in Vietnam were open allowing breezes to flow through and circulate the air
inside. The stagnancy of the air inside the house was what brought out the unbearable
feelings. There were four floor standing fans in the house, but whoever came first had the
privilege of having the fan for themselves. I was the last one who arrived, so I did not have
the use of a fan. These men did not want to share either. Every night, as I began to lie down
 to sleep, the back of my shirt was soaking wet. Struggling to put up with the discomfort for
a few minutes, I finally had to get up . I walked around the house trying to find something
to fan myself. I could not find anything except a couple of newspaper inserts. I used them
to fan myself, but no matter how hard I tried, I was still sweaty. Finally, I had to go outside
and sit on the front porch. The heat of the open air seemed to be more bearable than that in
the house. I thought I could sleep there on the porch, but as soon as I closed my eyes,
mosquitos began to attack me. I fought those mosquitos for a few minutes. Gradually I
grew sleepier and sleepier as time passed. I stepped back inside and tried to go to bed. Just
as I almost fell asleep, the heat overtook me again. this time I decided to stay in the living
room where I could sit and watch television. I still remember the television set. It was a
thirteen inch black and white one. I saw old movies and some comedy shows. None of
what they said on the T.V. could I understand, but I watched it anyway. At that point, I did
not want to go to bed anymore because I could not bear the heat, and I could not stand the
thought of how selfish were my roommates. I kept on watching T.V. for another ten or
fifteen minutes. Finally I got tired of sitting up, but I did not want to go to bed. So I stepped
out onto the front porch again. There I had to fight with those mosquitos one more time. I
stayed on the porch for a few minutes. Unable to stay on the front porch, I went back
inside and watched T.V. Then I walked back out to the porch again. I kept doing that for
the whole night until the morning came. When the morning came, my roommates went out
to visit their other friends. I took one of the fans and pointed it at me on my bed, so I could
go to sleep. I guess I slept for a couple of hours, and I woke up because the afternoon heat
was much more intense.

 Once I got up, I got ready to go to see my sponsor. I walked to my sponsor's office
where I met about thirty other refugees. We introduced each other, and I asked these
 people about the chance of finding a job in the town because they came to this town much
earlier than I did. Everyone said that so far they could not find anything yet, and now they
were ready to contact their relatives in different states to move to their location. They
advised me that if I had any relatives who were doing well in other states, that I should
move there for a better life. I shook my head and told them that I did not know anyone at
all.

 I asked my sponsor what was the chance for me to find something to do. He told me that
he did not know at that point, but he advised me to wait for a while. For the rest of the day
we did not do anything but stay around his office because he had an air conditioner. I
stayed in my sponsor's office during the day and went back to stay in the house during the
night. During that time, I started to worry more for my future. Before I left Philippine, I
thought I had escaped all the rough and stormy road of my life. I expected a much
smoother path for me in America, but at the moment I was not prepared to be in the
situation which had no sign of success. I saw my future as just as dark as the sky at night
time. Nowhere to go and no money to spend, I was desperate. On top of that, I lost a lot of
sleep every night.

 ====

CHAPTER 24

 Some weeks later, my sponsor arranged for somebody to come to take me and the other
men to the social services department to apply for welfare and foodstamps. At that point I
could not bear it any longer. I thought to myself that I went through the pain of leaving my
family behind, that I faced the risk of being killed in the ocean, and that I tasted the
disgrace of deserting my homeland because I was looking for something much higher than
food and shelter for myself: my freedom, my education, and the opportunity to do better.

 Before I arrived in America, I pictured myself working for somebody for three years to
get used to the language and to help support my sisters financially. Then I would attempt
to enroll in college. I thought giving me three years to know my way around and four
years in the college, I would graduate from college about the year 1987. But at that time, I
did not see anything working out for me at all. The language was not my strength, a job
was not available, and a college education was worse than climbing up a sheer mountain
cliff. So I tried to find out from other people and from my sponsor again whether there was
any other option for me or not. But they shook their heads and told me that there was no
other option for me but to go to school.

 Having realized that schooling was the only way for me to improve my life, I went to
see my sponsor and asked him to help me apply for college. He agreed to help, and the
next thing I knew there were eight other refugees who asked for the same thing. So my
sponsor arranged for us to go to South Georgia College in Douglas, a town about 35 miles
away. First, we went there to take the S.A.T. test. Then we went back to wait for the results.
A few weeks later, the results came back. I did not do well at all, but the school had a
developmental program that other students and I could fit into. So all eight of us were
accepted. I was so thrilled because I could get out of that house and start to do something
with my life. Several weeks later, my sponsor arranged for a van to transfer eight other
people and me to South Georgia College.

 At the college, we were placed in the dormitory. The college dormitory was very nice. It
had central air conditioning to cool the whole building. The rooms were very clean. Each
room had twin beds, two closets, and two studying desks. I shared the room with Hai Tran.
He was the youngest and the smartest one in the group. He came to America with his aunt
and his younger brother about a year or two before the rest of the group. His aunt worked
somewhere in Waycross to support him and his younger brother. Hai Tran graduated from
high school in Waycross, and he seemed to know the way of life in America much better
than the rest of the group. Because of that, almost everybody in the group tried to spend
time with him. The next most knowledgeable person in the group was Duc Pham.
Anywhere the group wanted to go, they had to have either Hai Tran or Duc Pham to help
them with the decision making. For me, I knew those two guys had enough problems of
their own, so I would not even bother the two at all.

At the dormitory, I was very pleased with the air conditioned environment. For the
first time in many years, I felt the cool air around me. It was a very wonderful feeling
especially after the experience that I had in the house in Waycross. Now, it seemed that I
had made one step up from the worst situation. Yet the road to a better future and to be



self sufficient was still beyond my reach, but at least I was placed at the starting point. The
next thing that I had to do was find the way to finish my education. If I failed, all the efforts
of my family and me would be in vain, my family would share the disgrace and
disappointment, and I would live with the guilt for the rest of my life. The more I thought
about my current situation, the more worried I became. There were still many obstacles
and barriers ahead of me. The biggest one was the language. However, to keep myself
from being worried, I just had to start working toward the goal, and I just had to take
things as they came. The next day, school began. I learned that all of us in the group had to
take the developmental classes for reading and writing. There were six developmental
classes for us to pass before we could be allowed to take regular courses for our degrees.
These classes were developmental reading 97, basic English 97, developmental reading 98,
basic English 98, developmental reading 99, and basic English 99. If we could not pass all
of these classes in a year, we would be expelled from the college. In the beginning, it was
very difficult for us. Most of us did not understand what the professors were saying, and
the reading tasks were almost impossible for us. We understood that we had to read
through a whole paragraph and completely understand it in two or three minutes, but for
us to read and understand any paragraph at that time, it would take about ten to fifteen
minutes because we had to look up every word in the paragraph. Then we had to make
sense out of what we looked up as a whole. The results spoke for themselves. Except Hai
Tran and Duc Pham, we all failed every time we showed up in the classes. Facing the
failure week after week each time we showed up in the classes, our confidence and our
faith in the future began to fade. Fortunately, the school recognized our difficulty. They
allowed a part time dedicated tutor to work with our group for no pay. The tutor was truly
a dedicated one. Her name was Jean Josey. She was outgoing, friendly, and enthusiastic.

The first time she met us, it was difficult and frustrating for her because most of us were
shy, unsure, and hard to understand. But she never let that slow her down in helping us.
After the first few sessions with us, she knew that we needed more help than just a few
hours during school. But the school administrators did not let her have more time than
what they had budgeted. So she volunteered to spend her own time to help us. In the
beginning every one of us, except Duc Pham, was very reserved and suspicious. We had
never met anybody from a totally different country who cared for us more than our own
people. We thought there must be someway that she could benefit from doing such deeds.
Despite how hard Duc Pham tried to convince us that Mrs. Josey helped us out of her kind
heart, we were still suspicious. But she proved us wrong.

 As time passed, we realized she took care of us because she truly cared for us like her
own children, and we told ourselves that we should not ever forget that. Besides teaching
us and guiding us with our homework, she took us to see the doctor when we got sick,
helped us to find summer jobs, comforted us when we felt hurt, and encouraged us when
we were down. With Mrs. Josey's help, I had a little bit better idea of what area I needed to
work on and how I should approach it, but I still worked much harder to get to that point.

Everyday and every night, as soon as I got out of class, I went back to my room to study.
At lunch time, I walked to the cafeteria to have lunch. After lunch, I went back to my room
to catch a nap. After my nap I got up and studied again. I studied until five or six o'clock in
the afternoon. Then I went back to the cafeteria for a meal again. After the meal, I went
back to the dormitory, took a shower, and went back to study again. One nice thing about
the college was that with the grant and the student loan I got, I could pay for tuition,
books, room, and board. I did not have to worry about any other thing but studying. I
studied until three or four o'clock in the morning before I allowed myself to go to bed.

 There were many nights, I was tired and sick of studying. I went to bed early to have a
good night's sleep, but as soon as I closed my eyes, The picture of my father going through
all the tortures and hard times in the concentration camp came back to me. Pictures of my
older sister who risked everything she had for me, and pictures of Thanh-Tuyen wandering
helplessly to look for me came vividly into my mind. The familiar and painful feeling
began to grow in my heart again. I folded my arms around my chest, and I tried physically
suppressing the pain, but it was too much to bear, so I got up and gathered all the strength
and determination that I had left in me to go back to studying again.

 ====




CHAPTER 25


 A couple of months went by. As I began to get into the groove of what I was doing,
there came the school break for Christmas vacation. Everybody was thrilled about a school
break except me and two others in the group who were very worried. Duc Pham, Thuc,
Thinh, and Mai had relatives in Waycross to stay with during the school break. Hai Tran
went back to his aunt. Trung knew somebody in Waycross that he could stay with, but
Thai, Ha, and I did not have any place to go, and the school dormitory closed during that
time. We did not have any money to rent a hotel room or apartment to stay in either. In the
midst of despair, there came good news. Mrs. Josey found somebody who would take us in
during the school break, and she even offered for one of us to stay with her and her family.
So we broke off from each other to go to different families to stay. Thai stayed with the
Josey's family. Ha and I stayed with Joe and Carlene Phelps's family. The Phelps owned a
local advertisement paper. They were hard working people. Joe worked every day until
afternoon. Then he came back to be with his family. Mrs. Carlene got up very early in the
morning, prepared breakfast for her children, took them to school, and went to work. In
the afternoon, she went to pick up her children, Mitchell and Kell, from school and take
them home. Then she went back to work until seven or eight o'clock in the afternoon. For
the first time in my life, I saw a family that lived together and stayed together very close

 like that. Ha and I always admired the Phelp's life style. We often admired how they
conducted their lives very successfully and yet how humble and generous they are to
others. We told each other that if we established our own families, then that was the way
we should live.

 As the Christmas season came around, the weather got colder. Ha and I were not
prepared for this. All we had was summer clothes. Every time we stepped outside the
house, we shivered. For the first time in my life, I experienced excruciating cold. I thought
to myself that here came another problem that I had to deal with on top of other ones that I
had. As the weather grew colder, I pushed my endurance further. There were times, I
wished I could have something to keep me warm. As I mentally prepared for the weather
conditions because I knew this would be the tough one for me, Mrs. Carlene went out and
bought me a very nice, thick, and warm jacket. She got it for me as a Christmas gift. I was
very glad and proud of that jacket. I also felt uneasy to receive the gift from Mrs. Carlene
because I did not have anything for her, and she had let us stay with her and her family
without charge. I wished I could get something for her in return, but I just did not have
money. Thanks to the Phelps, Ha and I experienced what family life in America should be
like. We stayed with the Phelps through the school break.

 After the break, Ha and I went back to stay in the dormitory. There we met the rest of
our group again. We learned that Hai Tran, Duc Pham, and Thai passed the English 97 and
Reading 97 classes while the rest of us had to repeat them again. As the classes started, I
went back to my intensive studying schedule again. This time my reading skill got slightly
better, and my writing got slightly better, but it was not good enough to pass the
developmental program yet. Then another problem came up: we all needed money to
spend on some of our personal necessities. So we discussed among ourselves ways to get
money. We talked to Mrs Josey and Hai Tran. We found out that we could apply for part
time jobs within the school. So we went to apply for " work study ". We all got it. Also Mrs.
Josey found out that Mrs. Carlene would allow us to help her every Tuesday afternoon.
That worked out well for us because our families from Vietnam began to ask us for
financial support too. At the same time, I got a letter from Vietnam. I learned that my father
was released from the RE-EDUCATION camp. Like a person who found a long lost
treasure, I was so happy that my wish had come true. I was so thrilled that everything
around me was great that day. I hoped that my father's presence would bring Thanh-Tung,
my older sister back to Bien Hoa, and together with Thanh-Tuyen, my family would relive
the togetherness that we had longed for so many years. I hoped that with my father's
presence, my mother's parents and brothers would treat my sisters much better than they
did before. I prayed that my family would have enough patience and courage to stay
together and wait for me. When I became self suffiecient, I would take care of them better,
and may be one day, we could all be together again in a future. With that thought in mind,
I wrote a letter to my father and indirectly told him not to escape, but to be patient and
wait for me. I began to check my studying schedule and sacrifice some of my study time to
make a little extra money to support my family. My father wrote me and told me how
proud he was to know that I was O.K and that I have not forgotten my promise. He again
reminded me not to yield to my own self-pleasure and forget my mission and my goal in
life. I did not tell my father about my failure on the classes because I did not want to bring
down his hope.

Now on top of trying to study hard to make it through school, we all had to work
hard to earn money for our families. This time, every hour and every minute were very
crucial for us. We studied harder, worked harder, and stayed up much later including
weekends just to survive in the classes.

 About a month later, Ha Pham got in touch with his brother in Oklahoma. So he decided
to move there to be with his brother. Next Duc Pham found his fiance in Texas, so he
moved there. Right after Duc left, Trung decided to move to Oklahoma, too. Next Mai
found her sister in California and decided to move out there. Then, Thinh left South
Georgia for some other reason. So there were only four of us left. But we did not let those
moves affect our normal schedule. We all knew that saying goodbye was not easy, but we
just had to learn to handle it smoothly. I missed them some, but I was happy for them
because it must be comfortable to be with someone close in the new and unfamiliar land.
With them gone, our group was smaller. But each one of us still kept full focus on our
studying.

We still had to put out more effort to help our families. So everyday after classes, we
went to work. And after lunch we went to a tutoring session with Mrs. Josey. When we
completed the tutoring session, we went back to have supper. And after supper, we got
ready to study again until three or four in the morning. During the weekend, we met Mrs.
Josey. She helped us to go buy gifts to send to our families in Vietnam. That's how we
could get by in school and still support our families. We did not have time for anything
else. There was no time for us to socialize or to party at all. I guess we exchanged our youth
for the chance to survive and the ability to help our brothers and sisters.

 Months went by and our hard work finally paid off. We all completed our
developmental courses in one year. Now we were allowed to take courses that were
required for our engineering curriculum. We all did well after that. We all got Dean's list
almost every quarter. During school breaks, we continued to stay with the Joseys and the
Phelps. I remember during the summer time, I stayed with the Phelps. Mrs. Carlene found
me a job as a construction helper. Every night after supper, she packed sandwiches for my
lunch before she went to bed. And in the morning, I always had a good breakfast before I
went to work. In my heart, I'll never forget those times I stayed with them. When the fall
came, I went back to school again, this time we started to look for an engineering school to
pursue our engineering degrees. We then applied for Georgia Institute of Technology in
Atlanta. Hai Tran was accepted first. Next was Thai and Thuc Le. I was not ready because I
had not accumulated enough credits to be accepted yet. So only I was left in Douglas


To be continued ...

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